trrrruusttttinnngggg

God I trust that you will lead me, hold onto me, and HOLD ME, even if no one hires me and I completely run out of money and get so bored out of my mind in the days.

All in the process of your work in my life, all for your glory, time and money aren't your thing anyways. You're more into quality over quantity.

'Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no, you never let go.'

Thank you. Help me continue to have hope, faith and trust, continue to heal me and ground me in your love. You've got this one, cause I sure do not.

Love, Sarah

MRAZ

It would entirely be alright with me if Jason Mraz got hit in the face with a cream pie today.

The Journey is the Destination

"I've come to the conclusion that having things turn out, the way you wanted them to is not the measure of an successful life. The important thing is, not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it's only in the blackness of the night that you can see the stars. And those stars can lead you back home.

So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble or fall, because most of the time, the greatest awards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you won't get everything that you wished for. Maybe you'll get more that you ever could of imagined.

Who knows where life can take you, the road is long, but in the end, the journey is the destination."

-Whitey Durham

Chapter 923

All I can say right now is this:

God is the master orchestrator.

He brings so much.

We mess up.

He makes beauty from our mistakes; creating beauty from the brokeness.

Hope rules through all. It's the chord that will not break, the structure that will not burn.

Faith keeps hope alive - clinging to God being good.

And trusting... that He will continue to bring the good, because it is His joy to lavish his children with love.

And when we are completely empty, worn out and broken, he tenderly picks us up, places us in his strong, warm embrace and holds us close to his holy heart.

This is what I'm learning.

And it's wretchedly difficult and absolutely perfect at the same time.

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me."

"It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah..."

Abba - Jason Morant

Where am I now this desert so familiar,
This loneliness has scarred me before
Is this where You're found or is this where You have brought me
Your voice no longer can I ignore

My heart lies in pieces
Please pick me up and put me back together again
Like only You can

chorus

Abba Abba
You're like water to this soul
Abba I need You
Cause I've got no where else to go

Is that You there whispering so softly
And calming all the madness inside
All I have I bare and it still amounts to nothing
But You're telling me it's ok to cry

Now I now lie in pieces
But this brokenness is all You ever wanted from me
So You can take control

chorus

In Your sanctuary's where I long to be
For this desperate heart has found no better place
Than to be found in You
Than to be found in You

Lord, this is where my heart is at.

Please come and do your work.

Restoration.

Rest.

Peace.

Please.

A Plea

Dear people,

You need to know that I am regular.

I am normal, average.

I am 23 years old. I brush my teeth twice a day. I don't shower daily. I never sleep with socks. Sometimes I make my bed. Recently I haven't been cooking regularly/eating well, but I am committing to starting in September. I don't really like dogs. Sometimes I throw food out instead of composting. Same with cardboard. I have gross feet. Sometimes I swear, accidentally. Sometimes not accidentally. I am a people pleaser. I really struggle with being cynical, especially towards wealth.

But I get put on a pedestal. By lots of people. Lots of times.

I don't know why.

They think I do good things. They think they can't do what I do. They think I'm deeper, stronger, somehow more than them.

WELL I'M NOT.

I do things that God leads and gifts me to do. I cannot boast in that, only of in Christ in me. So please don't boast in that for me.

I can't do what you do. Obviously, we cannot all do the same things. Thankfully.

I'm no deeper, no stronger, and in no way more than anyone else.

So please don't think that I am.

Because when you do, I am alienated.

Put away on a different level, on an 'unrelatable level', on that fancy pedestal.

And I have so far to fall when you realize that I'm just a regular person.

I am relatable. Please, let me relate to you.

I want to, I crave to, I need to.

Because when you put me up high, I'm alienated.

And when I'm alienated, I'm so, so lonely.

And when lonliness sets in, my personal world is so bleak.

Please let me be 'just Sarah'.

Thank you, you have no idea how much.

From, Sarah

Bride Wars

I am tired. I had little sleep last night, and I've been packing up my apartment all day, so I decided to watch a movie on my *new* computer (it actually has sound, it's rather exciting).

The only movie at my house that I hadn't seen was lo and behold, Bride Wars. I thought it would be humourous, seeing as this seems to be the phase of life that I'm smack dab in the middle of.

Well I wasn't really impressed. Yet again, Hollywood comes out with another explanation for our high divorce rate: when the whole 'thing' is 100% focused on the wedding, and forgets about the marriage.I'm not even sure if I remember the names of the fiances, I don't think it said anything about them and there was almost nothing on the relationships of the couples.But I mean, the dresses were beautiful, the hair; perfect, flowers; lovely, decorations; enticing, location; romantic, rings; sparkling.

I wonder how the couples work through conflict.

I wonder how they adjusted to living together.

I wonder where they make up for each others' short comings, where one's weaknesses are balanced out by the other's strengths.

I wonder how they get along with each others' in-laws.

I wonder where they saw their lives 5, 10, 25 years down the road.

I wonder how they coped with each others' quirks.

I wonder if they were comfortable farting around each other. Or throwing up.

I wonder if one was a vegetarian, and how that affected their shopping list.

I wonder which states their siblings lived in.

But I mean, I KNOW that the dresses were beautiful, the hair; perfect, flowers; lovely, decorations; enticing, location; romantic, rings; sparkling.And once the best friends were reunited, the wedding was complete.
And that's all that matters, right?

THE RES

Broken.

Void.

Empty:

of attention

of love

of care.

Set aside by our country,

our government,

Forgotten about,

not cared about.

Seen only is the alcohol, the abuse, the brokeness,

and not given a second thought of hope.

Why so desolate?

You take away their culture,

their ways,

their lifestyle.

Press your ways on them

Foreign.

Unhealthy.

Unwanted.

DESTROYING their souls,

their families,

their humanity...

...humans.

Broken humans,

now generations deep in the syndrome.

'How do I cope?

How do I deal,

How do I heal?

The bottle.

Numbing the reality I've come to hate,

the reality I call my life,

the life I cannot escape.'

Houses from the third world,

toys littered,

cars burned,

windows boarded.

She has no yard, so she plays in muddy street puddles.

His family is living in a tent because their is no roof over their head.

Nine years old and the colours of his gang are his outward identity.

Her face so twisted from her mother's poor decisions during pregnancy,

lisped speech

snotty nose

and all she wants to do is twirl, twirl, twirl.

LOVE.

hope to trust, and

trust to hope.

Beauty in the broken,

Flourishing in love.

And when she smiles at me, everything is worth it.

Hungry bellies; no food in the cupboards.

Hurt hearts; no one to accept them.

Permanently angry; only rejection.

JESUS CHRIST,

Hope. Healer.

Restorer. Rebuilder.

Lavishing love,

Joy giver,

Burden carrier.

Takes surrender,

and turns it into pure life.

Jesus Calling, July 14th

"Keep walking with me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life."

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every single detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Put your hope in the Lord.
Travel steadily along his path.
Pslam 37: 23, 24, 34

This will be vague and confusing.

...which I've decided is okay, because life is vague and confusing.
So I've been thinking lots about life, journeys and paths... yes, I love metaphors.
This first verse is one I found in church today, and the second is one my Mom reminded me of:

"Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path and you will find rest for your souls."
-Jeremiah 6:16

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take."
-Proverbs 3:5

Crossroads, check.
Looking around, check.
The 'old godly way'?
Hmmmm - Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbour as yourself. Okay.
Travel this path... find rest for your soul.
FANTASTIC.

Verse 2 = terrifying.
And simutaneously, peaceful.
Weird.

so what am i doing and where am i going? what's next, what's working, what's not and why? is it my fault, or just natural progression? is my truth your truth, is there one for all? but if not, doesn't that knock all legitimacy of mine? can they combine? is this just a learning experience, or does my life make a difference? seeds sure are easy enough to plant but it's faith in the possibility of growth that keeps one going. it's a humble cookie to munch on when you realize that you can't change people, when what you want most is to see people change. and it's a faith breaker when the blossom looks ready to pop, but then it's squashed to the rocks. give give give, and love love love, but i sure feel bottomed out, scraping the dirt. i'm sick of reacting; i want to act. i don't want to put out fires, i want to water and nourish the lands. again, why and how and what went wrong? nothing's more frustrating and exasperating than knowing something's not working but not being able to identify why... the story of my life. why do my awareness levels yo-yo so much? i miss you more than words exist; never anyone this much since she left. funny, this geographic location and all i can think about is you, this music isn't helping. i run to you. long trip alone. just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. trying to stop you leaving... i left. it's your (my?) god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved. this stillness is wonderful, and it's moving at a perfect speed. i'm refusing to think about going back but i know it will be like nothing has changed; may my heart stand firm. sometimes i feel like going back on it all, but the evidence is too convincing. but you sure are tempting. and lovingly lovely. i want out, i want to heal, i want a break. some pura vida. why is my heart feeling this. what is good and bad - they are so dependent on each individual's ideas.
travel, learning more, running away, enduring, working, exploring, adventure... which one?
JOURNEY.
Don't stop believing.
Seasons.

sometimes all i wanna do is dance, look at stars, live barefoot on grass and follow my heart.
this faith dimension is tricky and hard.

"We live on front porches and swing life away, we get by just fine here on minimum wage, if love was a labour, I'd slave til the end."
...sounds peachy, but so unattainable.
I want a front porch swing.
And some healthy change.

-standing at the crossroads, holding onto hope.