DONE PAINTING!

Since the beginning of July, I've been painting with College Pro (again). Painting interior bedrooms and hallways, garage doors, windows and fasia/soffit up to three stories high... ...hauling ladders, rockin' the steel toes and making tricky reaches with my feet off the ground for up to 11 hours/day.

I'm tired. 

I'm ready to be done. 

And as of yesterday... I AM. 

For weeks now, Andrew has been researching and planning our India/Nepal trip, packing, downsizing, going through stuff, and I felt like an observer - I had nothing in me to help. It's funny - while I am usually a super multi-tasker, when I'm tired, I'm out for the count. 

Last night, after I threw out my unwashed brushes, paint covered clothes and my well worn, paint covered steel toes (felt so good!), my mind changed over. I made lists of things to do, people to see before we leave... I cleaned our room and looked at a calender (something I haven't been doing). WE MOVE OUT IN ONE WEEK! There is so much to do!!

So even though my back is aching (was working with an exceptionally heavy ladder my last 4 days) and my eyes still feel like sandpaper, I feel free... free from work! Free to plan, free to look ahead, free to live! 

Here we go!

28 days

We leave Ontario in 28 days. It could be hormones, but I've been emotional about this for two days in a row now - I feel like I could cry any moment!

Although India, Nepal and finally Vancouver are very exciting things on the horizon, it's overwhelmingly sad to think about leaving behind the dozens of very loved and important people in our lives here in Ontario. I feel so contradicted.

When my Uncle Doug married us just over a year ago, he spoke some very prophetic words into our lives,

There's another gift that I've left to the end, because you both have it. When you bring it together, I believe you will have the corner of the market on this one, you're going to take it over the top in union together. And that is risk taking. Adventurous. Free spirit. And let me commend you on that. A well known world leader, a woman, once was noted by saying "Life is either a daring adventure, or it's nothing." And I think that represents you two. You know I can imagine that there is some inner turmoil in that one, you know, "when are we going to settle down, when are we going to be responsible?" Maybe other people are saying that to you. There will be a loss of memory and family times. Loss of time with Daddy, Mommy... there will continue to be. Loss with your siblings. But it is a part of who you are. It's your DNA and it's a gift from God, it's a gift to each one of us as your friends and family, and it's a gift to the church. So in 2nd Corinthians 4, God said 'Light up the darkness, and Andrew and Sarah's lives lit up' with these gifts. So to your parents, well done. Well done for raising up these leaders, they are extraordinary leaders. Well done.

While we were dating, we strongly sensed that God wanted us to spend the first year of our marriage in Ontario with our families. Now I both rejoice and mourn that God led us to do this because we may not be back here for many, many years. Especially when I re-listen to what my uncle spoke into our lives. This year has been incredible with our families and I praise God for putting us here. Our parents and siblings are incredible people.
We love them beyond words.
We will miss them beyond words.

We are camping with each of our families in the next couple weeks (yay!) and have/will see each of my extended families before we leave. I am so thankful for this. Hugging my Grandpa and Grandma Hill goodbye yesterday was tearful - it's always hard saying goodbye to grandparents. You never know what will happen with life, right?

It's been a fabulous blessing to be home for so many weddings this summer - a) to celebrate the marriages of people we love, and b) weddings are a great place to spend time with loved ones - we've been very blessed.
We are not people to over-busy ourselves, in fact we try to avoid a busy life. This summer has been, and continues to be BUSY! But I'm trying to look at it as a blessing, because busy means people. And we love our people... people that we won't be able to do day in, day out life with.

So, here's to 28 more days. I'm thrilled. I'm nervous. I'm sad.
I'm a little bit of everything.

Life thoughts, July 1st 2012

In church this morning, the pastor was talking about wisdom - an introduction to a series on Proverbs, which is a collection of wise phrases. No information, no statistics, no history, no stories. Simply life lessons that when taken heart to, contribute to a full life, in awe of Christ.

I had a few main thoughts this morning:

1. I don't want to just make a living, I want to make a LIFE.

When someone asks me how I'm doing, I don't want to respond with how my job is going - but this is a rut I have fallen into recently. Maybe I have pride in my job, and maybe I have simultaneously lost touch with pursuing a full life. 

We're moving this September - first to travel in New Zealand for a a month and a half, then to our beloved city, Vancouver. I am SO excited! This, to me, is how I want to LIVE. It's funny seeing peoples' eyebrows raise in disbelief when we tell them we don't have work lined up. And honestly speaking, it freaks me out at times too! But, we WANT to live a life that is dependent on God providing for us! We want to see God move, not beat him to it every time. We are learning and choosing to be wise with life plans - not in a calculated way, but in seeking God and his plans for us, trusting him.  

I love how God has created us with interests and desires, and invites us to pursue them! What a gift! He wants to give us gifts like adventure, risk, pleasure, beauty and fulfillment. I want to pursue these.  

2. Narcissism: We are part of the most narcissistic culture in the world. We have web pages, facebooks and twitter accounts totally devoted to ourselves. We sense that we aren't important or worthy unless we are recognized by others. That's why our social media community is aware of every photo we snap, our weekend schedules and plans, from travel plans to dinner plans. We are afraid of being alone; we cannot exist without being recognized by someone reading and commenting on our news, or being "liked" with that infamous thumbs up icon. 

I want to be secure. But I want to be solely secure by God and the identity he gives me, and by my close loved ones. I want to push back at this relationship facade that social media and our culture is heavily placing on us. 

3. "Am I living to prove myself?" and "What is my motivation for living?"

This is what I was convicted of this morning (an am on a regular basis)! Working for the Waterloo School Board this year, for the first time, I've experienced the "rat race" - the constant pursual of better hours, better pay, more responsibility, more recognition. Is it ever appealing! I regularly found myself trying to please others, prove my skills and abilities, and I felt so caught. I want to be free to dance to the rhythm that God has put in me, in living out my gifts and talents, without the perceived critical eye of others, without the perceived expectations that I always sense. 

I want to live to prove Jesus - to glorify Jesus. To love people, proclaim truth, protect and strengthen the weak and encourage others. I want to live wisely. 

This is what I want my motivation for living to be. 

4. "Fearing" God

A phrase that is mysterious and confusing - often to me. Why should I fear God - isn't he good? Gracious? Compassionate?

I was reminded of the terminology this morning: to fear God means to stand in awe and wonder of who is he. This leads to worship, which leads to solely pursuing God, which leads to wisdom, as we shake off the ways the world wants us to live (a self-absorbed life).

Jesus says, "I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full." 

I want a full life, full of love, beauty, intimacy, community, challenges, risks, heartache, adventure, contentment, discomfort, uncertainty, purpose, self-sacrifice, wisdom, sanctification, friendship, family, all for God's glory. 

"In Canada, if you are hurt, someone will come to help you."

On Friday I had the most fascinating supply call yet. It was for a grade 7/8 classroom, only 15 students. It was a special ESL program... but the unique part was that all of the students, within the last 4 years, have arrived to Canada as refugees, from refugee camps all around the world. They came from Africa, from Asia, from the Middle East. Their verbal English was all really good. Reading and writing are still very challenging. They are still learning the culture, school rules and language. They are hormonal. They all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They all have been robbed of a childhood.

I spent a quick couple minutes as the day started attempting to imagine what these kids, 12 to 14 years old, have been through.

It was not safe to live in their homes - violence, war, famine.
They had to pack up their lives, all that their little selves knew, and left, without knowing their destination.
Maybe they walked, maybe they got a ride on an overloaded bus to a camp in another country. Maybe the camp had 300 people in it. Maybe it had 100 000.

I'm sure many of the students went from having a safe home, reliable food and employed parents, to living in a dusty tent, surviving on food rations, sitting idle or playing soccer, waiting to see what would happen the next day.

There are 3 "future - options" for refugees:
1. Return to their home country once war has ended
2. Integrate into the country in which the refugee camp is located
3. Relocate to a Western Country to completely start over

Only 1% of refugees get a chance at that third option.

In geography class on Friday, the lesson was on "Quality of Life"in Canada. The students had to come up with categories that describe the quality of life, and points under each category. Categories included government, education, healthcare, employment, human rights, shelter. The things that these kids added to the discussion about Canada blew my mind away, knowing where they came from.

"In Canada the government upholds the laws, and the laws are the same for every people. Women and children are important and taken care of."

"In Canada houses have electricity, toilets and roofs. There is lots of good food."

"In Canada every person has a right to have an education."

"In Canada, if you get hurt, someone will always come to help you."

These were new concepts. These were concepts that I have come to expect and depend on. My heart was both broken and humbled at this point of the day.

I've been trying to imagine what would happen after landing in Canada as a child, knowing nothing of life here.
What do I wear to stay warm enough?
What kind of food do I eat here? How do I get it? 
What language is this, how do I communicate?
Where do I sleep? Is it safe to? 
Are my parents safe in this new country?
Is there always electricity?
Will there always be food? Should I hoard it? 
Are there other people with my religion? 
Who can I trust?
Who should I be afraid of?
How do I learn English?
Can I play? Where?
Do I get to go to school?
Why don't people dress like me?
How can I keep my culture and live in this new one?
I miss my home. I miss my family there. I wonder if they're ok?

I've heard, experienced, and probably considered the stereotypes about refugees and immigrants to Canada. People wonder why they come to fill Canada's cities, take jobs, take over culture. There's a lot of frustration about this.

This group of amazing grade 7/8 students helped me realized this: It simply does not matter where a person is from. If they are in need, hurting, hopeless, hungry and afraid, we need to help. This is a simple law of humanity. 

Life Dreams.

I want to be a woman,

Who stands looking into the fierce wind,

strong.

I want to dream, work hard, inspire.

I want to see new lands, and know my home and city inside out.

I want to learn, create and appreciate

beauty, challenge, sunshine and rain.

I want to dive deep, laugh, and rest well.

I want to explore, discover.

I want to dig deep to understand,

I want to be wise.

I want to live in colour.

I want to be a mother.

Fiercely protective, nurturing, loving, caring.

I want to live a great life. 

The Perfect Lie: True Beauty in Our Culture

On Friday evening, I went to my parents' church to hear a guest speaker named Alicia Smith. Alicia is a Christian and a model. She models out of Toronto and uses her modeling as a platform to speak about true beauty to women and teen girls. Her talk was entitled "The Perfect Lie". To be honest, I went in a little skeptical, unsure if this was going to be cheesy or not.
It wasn't. 
So here I am, re-digesting via writing, about some of the things I heard on Friday.

To be signed as a model, one must be between 5'9" and 6'0 and weigh less than 120lbs. Her bust must be less than 37", her waist 24", her hips 30-something. Alicia's 6 year old daughter's waist currently measures 23".

There is not one single photo released anymore that hasn't had extensive photoshopping done (except for tabloids perhaps). I thought, "Yeah, yeah, I know this. Airbrushing, removing blemishes, of course that's done."

Madonna is 54 years old. Definitely middle aged. The photo on the left is her normal self. The photo on the right is after photoshop:

Scarlett Johannson is known for being a more curvy, realistically sized actress. These two photos were taken within the same month - the first by random paparazzi, the second well photoshopped for the cover of Cosmopolitan:

Cleavage. WAIST! Tummy. Hips.
They literally changed her body.

Flippa Hamilton has been Ralph Lauren's "cover girl" for years. She has recently been "let go" because she is getting too fat and too old (she's 26). This photo was released in Japan in 2009:

There was such a scandal that we never saw it in North America.
Her waist is smaller than her head.
She has a femur of a Barbie.
Her arms couldn't hold a grocery bag.

Check out this video that Dove came out with a few years back to show what is done from the moment the model walks into the studio to the final billboard.

It shocked me to see what is done to the photos that we see on billboards, magazines, etc.
An average woman's thighs should never look like the sticks that we see in photos.
Even with the best push up bras, breasts rarely are the rising melons that we see in photos.
Slender arms.
Perfect chin.
Small hips.
Yet this is the "definition" of beauty that little girls learn once they pick up a Barbie, and us women compare ourselves to in the grocery check out.
These people that we see in print simply do not exist. They are fabricated.

Every decade, our culture's definition of beauty changes drastically. Every culture's definition of beauty varies: tall, short, round, long, tight, loose... lip discs, elongated necks, Chinese foot binding...
What validates our worth as beautiful women?

Alicia told a story about a time she had to go to New York City to find some designer clothes to update her portfolio. She ended up at a high end shop of clothing that had been runway modeled and was now up for sale. She complained about how all the clothes, were in fact, not attractive, odd and weird looking. She eventually found shorts and a tank top, designed by Marc Jacobs. Finally deciding that she could wear them, she looked at the tank top's price tag: $1500. For a shirt that could have been from Wal-Mart, she said!
$1500 for a shirt that is "worth" as much as a used car; worth more than many people's entire wardrobe.

Who determines the worth of something?
The designer. 

God created us.
God can only create masterpieces.
He cannot make mistakes.
Human beings are his greatest masterpieces.
God says, "You are my best design. You are beautiful."

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand.
                         - Psalm 139:13-18

Beauty cannot be defined by this world. It can ONLY be defined by the designer. And if we don't intentionally choose to put our worth, our identity of beautiful in God, we will default to putting our worth and identity in what the world says is beautiful, which is, in essence, a lie, and completely unattainable. And it will destroy our hearts as we'll never be good enough.

Beauty cannot be defined on what men/boys think. It cannot be defined by how many friends tell you your Facebook photo is pretty. Or that your girlfriends love your outfit. We cannot be looking to these things to validate our worth. Our worth MUST come from our designer.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
- 1 Peter 3:3-4

One can take care of the exterior of their house. But it's what happens inside the house that attracts people to come inside. The inside of a home is where the life is. Where the love, the acceptance is.
In the same way, we need to take care of our bodies. But our hearts are where core beauty and life flows from. Alicia said it perfectly, "God desires our beauty, and if we give him our hearts, he will make us truly beautiful."

So, we need to recognize the lies of beauty that we are constantly bombarded with.
We need to recognize the lies that we have hidden in our hearts.
We need to replace those lies with truths.

And we need to talk to and teach women and girls around us about this "Perfect Lie" and God's Truth of our worth.

Facing resistance?

This quote continues to offer affirmation and perspective to the time in my life where resistance was all I could feel. It reminds me of the passion that comes first... and gives me hope for a new, re-ignited passion and purpose.

"Resistance is the shadow cast by the innovated self's sun. Before the dragon of resistance reared it's ugly head and breathed fire into our faces, there existed within us a force so potent and life affirming that it summoned this beast into being, perversely, to combat it.
But the urge to climb came first. That urge is love. Love for the material, love for the work, love for the brothers and sisters to who we will offer our work as a gift."
-Steve Pressfield

Six years.

Hey girl.

I sat down tonight to write you a little note, and am realizing something for the first time. In the months after your death, the notes and letters I wrote to you were simply a continuation of our friendship and conversation. Life was then still a continuation of you.

Now I am pouring over photos, letters, my scrapbook of you and the memory book Michelle put together for your family on your 20th birthday. Eyes wet; I miss you.

Six years have past.
Things has changed now. Writing to you is no longer a continuation of our conversations. Here I am, 25, married, and I feel like the life that I've lived since your death has been as long as my whole life up until your accident. And so now when I sit down to write you a note, I am writing to 19 year old Katharine, but I am 6 years older. And there is no way to create your future or imagine who you would be today. It's really bizarre.

I love looking back on who you were and the impact you had on so many people. How blessed we were to have a friend like you who was so sincere, kind, fun, bold and hilarious. Our memories were so sweet and innocent. And raw, as we wrestled to understand this life. Saying goodbye to you was absolutely the most difficult thing I have had to do to this point, and somehow it has spurred on the most significant growth, gut-wrenching, painful, life giving growth.

Somehow you have shifted and become a memory - instead of a reality, a tangible part of life, you are a cherished, wonderful memory, always in my heart.
Thank you for your friendship,
for being YOU, always true,
for our crazy, fun, teenage memories,
for being a faithful friend,
for sharing what we knew about life at that point,
for challenging, teaching
for loving me and accepting me as I was.
You are a treasure.

You have changed my life more than you could imagine Katharine, and I rejoice when I think about how you are relishing in God's presence right now - I eagerly await the day that our souls are reunited. What a beautiful embrace that will be!
Love you long time,
Sarah

PS. Just so you know, I wore waterproof mascara on my wedding day in honour of your wisdom and I still pull out those incredible fluorescent 80s leggings from time to time. I remember you every time I eat veggie chips and my cheekbones jump when I wear bronzer. Your Momma made our wedding cake and it was beautiful. I carried you with me all day. xoxo

Old Faithful

Old Faithful is a cone geyser located in Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming. It merits its' name because of it's predicable eruptions. Old Faithful will erupt 65 minutes after an eruption lasting 2.5 minutes, or 91 minutes after an explosion lasting more than 2.5 minutes.

Two choices: live in Vancouver where home and our short history was, or live in Southern Ontario where our family was. This was the decision Andrew and I faced a year and a half ago when we were thinking about where to live after we got married.

After lots of prayer and contemplation, we felt that God was leading us towards Ontario for three specific reasons:
1) Spend intentional time with our immediate families, since we doubt we'll be in Ontario long-term
2) Be intentional about getting to know each other as husband and wife and building a strong marriage foundation for decades to come
3) Be local to 'do life' with many life-long friends, instead of always playing 'catch-up'

Well it's been 7 months. So far we've been blessed to have spent loads of time with family! Andrew played on a hockey team all winter with his brothers, we've been to Ottawa twice to visit my sisters, lots of Hill family dinners and trips up to Listowel to visit the Hartungs. Andrew's youngest sister has spent a couple weekends with us in Kitchener and recently joined us for our roadtrip to Florida. It's been awesome!

We're so thoroughly enjoying being married to each other, building healthy communication habits, joyously (most of the time!) sharing life together, learning to make decisions together and getting to know each other better and better. We've read some solid marriage books, and are working through Mark Driscoll's recent Real Marriage sermons. We're learning how to work through conflict and being challenged daily with humility and lessons in selflessness.

So many fun times with friends! Games nights, birthdays, coffee dates, hockey... and a summer of 7 weddings coming up... we're loving time spent with old friends!

Yet, there are some big things that I love about life that are missing.
Urban culture.
Beautiful environment.
Being part of a Jesus-loving church.
Local outdoor rec - hiking, kayaking, biking.
Working with youth, especially urban Aboriginal youth.
The ocean. Mountains.

It dawned on me this week.
God didn't lead us to Kitchener to be active, to love the city, to be passionate about our jobs and community involvement. He didn't call us to a specific church. He didn't call us here to work at jobs that we love.
He called us here for our family, old friends, and to build our marriage. And that's exactly what is thriving right now.

So he IS faithful! I have been thinking for months that Kitchener just sucks, or we have the wrong attitude about being here or we're doing something wrong.

But no, God is providing exactly what he purposed us here for. And we are being challenged daily to not complain about what's missing, but living fully in what his purposes are. (And hoping like crazy that there are mountain-bound adventures in our future!!!!)

He's never going to lead us somewhere and not have a purpose in it. He is faithful to fulfill his purposes. And I need to keep my eyes and heart on HIM and not me.

The Sweet Spot

While visiting a local church this morning, we were surprised to be there for the lead pastor of 9 years announcing his resignation to the congregation. No scandalous secret sin, no conflict, he had simply become tired of filling a role that didn't allow him to use his God-given gifts. Instead of never ending meetings, budgets and other executive responsibilities, he takes joy in teaching, preaching and loving people - pastoring the church. He is hoping to remain on staff at the church, but in a role more suiting for his gifts.

Beautiful. He had my respect.

He said, "I want to serve through my sweet spot instead of persevering through every day."

Our goal with moving to Ontario for a year after getting married was to spend intentional time with family and Ontario friends because we sense we may not end up living here long term. And that part has been awesome! Neither Andrew or I have lived in Ontario for longer than 4 months since 2007. I'm loving getting to know his family more and he's enjoying spending time with mine. It's great spending time with friends that we haven't seen regularly for years. And we have seven weddings of friends/family this summer - and we can actually GO to them without having to buy airfare!

God's given us some pretty interesting jobs for the year. Andrew is a youth care worker at Hope Manor, a youth jail. I'm a child and youth worker / educational assistant with the Waterloo School Board, right now working in a classroom of 6 students with learning profiles such as autism, intellectual delays and other learning disabilities. Both jobs that are definitely interesting and require us to use our brains and hearts. We can do them and find success but... not our niche.

I yearn to build relationship.
To share life.
To share wisdom and teach.
To mentor and disciple.
To be able to openly share faith without political barriers.

My heart aches for the west coast.
For beautiful East Vancouver.
For glorious mountains.
For culture beyond industry and farming.
To work out of my sweet spot, and not just persevering through every day.

Passion + Gifts + Need = Sweet Spot.
Passion: mentoring through relationship, pointing to Jesus
Gifts: compassion, encouragement, [some] wisdom, teaching
Need: ____________ (where, God?)

So, where's the sweet spot? Not sure at yet. But oh, it will be good when we get there.