It helps to understand the problem.

It started 4 years ago. I took some medicine for 3 months, but it didn't ever go away.
I should have gone back about 2 years ago, but I kept putting it off.
I thought I was tougher,
I thought it would go away,
I thought I could ignore it.
I figured that since medicine didn't work last time, why would I waste efforts and money on it again?
Well, 24 months of moderate annoyance and I finally hauled my butt to the doctor this morning to check out a problem I've been having with my foot.
An hour wait at the clinic, and a 15 minute chat with a friendly man who reminded me of a viking in Santa Claus' body - and I figured out what was happening with my foot, and how we could make it go away.
Huh.
Well, that was easy.

The doctor was smart. He can recognize symptoms. He knows what's going on under the surface. He knows how to fix it from the inside out, not just slap a bandaid on it. He gave me his time to answer my questions and concerns.

I walked out of the clinic knowing what was going on, and how go about fixing the problem.
CLARITY is AMAZING.

...and then: REALIZATION!
Life makes sense when we understand what's going on.
Our problems are much more manageable when we can understand what's happening.
It helps to understand the problem: physical problems, emotional problems, mental problems, spiritual problems.
First we have to realize: there is a problem here.
Then we have to admit it.
Then we should muster up enough bravery to ask for help!
It's not a weakness thing - it takes strength to reach out for answers, I've learned!
And here's the beautiful thing: we are made to help each other along.
Just as my doctor this morning was so wise in identifying my foot issue, there are people alongside us in life that have gone through similar things, wrestled through them and have claimed victory. PRAISE GOD! I don't think I know one person who has experienced life-problems and solved everything by themself. It's such a beautiful thing of community and family to share wisdom and to be strengthened, encouraged, enlightened and challenged by brothers and sisters. HONESTLY! What a great idea! -- Thank you God!

Then, once we "get it" - the road to victory isn't so much covered in fog anymore. It could still be rocky and difficult... but not as much fog.

It takes courage.
It takes humilty.
We're not always tough enough.
Things don't always just go away.
It comes to a point where we can't ignore it anymore.
And even if people have failed us before, it's a good idea to dare to reach out again.

I dare you.
It helps to understand the problem.

< 3

LOVE!

A various mish mash of thoughts.

These weeks I have been thinking about life. As per usual. But haven't had time to write about anything yet. So, here it is.

One.
Irony: I had a really great week a couple weeks back. It was fun, so much joy and laughter was shared! And then the next week: BRICK WALL. I don't know if it was an attack or what, but it was the complete opposite of the previous week. Why does that happen?
Overwhelming.
Anxiety.
Stress.
Over-responsibility.
Unrealistic expectations.
New time commitments.
New relationship.
Low motivation, self-doubt.
Why does that happen?

Two. 
God is GOOD.
I work part time at a tutoring centre on the west side. It's great how involved parents are in their kids life - how they take initiative in their child's learning, encourage their child and celebrate their victories.
One day in particular, a little boy came out from his lesson with his tutor. His Mom was there waiting for him. His tutor briefly explained what they had covered in the lesson, including a new word that he had learned. The mother's eyes brightened and widened and a smile filled her face. Her son began to spell his new word: "w-a-s". She was exhilarated for him and you have thought that she had nothing else to be proud of, but the fact that her son knew how to spell "was".
God is GOOD - in the big AND small victories.
We are worth celebrating.

Three.
If you are within 25 feet of a computer right now (stupid thing to say, you're clearly reading this) - you could pull up your facebook homepage and read some status updates.
I've noticed, especially with the next generation (yay teenagers) that facebook statuses are sometimes more like glimpses into their secret diaries. Nothing is held back.
"Sally didn't think life could get any worse. Then today happened."
"Jackie doesn't think anyone cares about her right now."
"Tom is about to give up."
"Amy is afraid of when he dies and can't stop crying."
...it's like we need to post our thoughts.
...it's like we need people to hear us.
...we know that things will get read on facebook.
...it's like we need affirmation of some sort.

Three point five.
Oooooh affirmation.
Recognition, and affirmation.
It's SO human of us - this core desire to be heard, recognized and affirmed with what we're feeling!
At church this morning I learned about fearing God and fearing man.
Pleasing God vs. Pleasing Man.
Being rooted in God vs. Being rooted by Man.
Sustainable vs. Unsustainable.
Fulfillment vs. a Taste of Fulfillment.
I love being affirmed by people! It's so encouraging! But do I seek human-affirmation before I seek God's-approval? I think my heart deeply desires/craves God's approval. He did make me, and something about having your Creator's approval means everything. (Similar as having our parent's approval).
Human-affirmation is so much more tangible. God-affirmation is so much deeper. Resonating.
Mmmmmmmm.

Four.
Simple thought: I wonder if flowing with my busy schedule rather than resisting it would take less energy?

Five.
"Any society that commonly assumes that God will not discipline sin in this life or judge it in the next will have no fear of God and will therefore give itself increasingly to evil."

We now deserve, because we were given something we didn't deserve

you deserve to be heard.
you deserve to have my mind open to you.
you deserve to be loved.
you deserve to be held.
you deserve to have someone interested in your life!
you deserve to have grace extended to you.
you deserve to have your basic needs met.
you deserve to be able to let your guard down.
you deserve to be taken care of.
you deserve to be told the truth.
you deserve to fight.
you deserve to stop fighting.
you deserve to have your battles won.
you deserve to trust, even when it seems impossible.
you deserve your voice.
you deserve to be aware of your walls, weaknesses and hinderances.
you deserve to be able to break through those.
you deserve to be forgiven.
you deserve to be able to yell and shout.
you deserve to be able to make a difference.
you deserve to have your heart melted.
you deserve to love yourself.
you deserve to be called beautiful.
you deserve to be called good.
you deserve to know that you have built into your children's lives.
you deserve to know that you made a difference.
you deserve to know that you are part of who i am.
you deserve to rest.
you deserve be released.
you deserve peace.
you deserve appreciation.
you deserve freedom.
you deserve to be confident.
you deserve to cry.
and again, you deserve to be loved.
You are His beloved.


Surrender to it.

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. 

And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. 

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 

Yet God, with undeserved kindness, [aka GRACE] declares that we are righteous.

He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

-Romans 3:22-24

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

-Ephesians 2:4-5

Grace.

...and we deserve. 

$

I know He will sustain me.
I know it's not crusial.
I've been incredibly blessed.
...but I'd really love to find $5000 on the street.
Pinching pennies is tiring.

untitled, for you.

Trust You - Brandon Heath

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame 
I know I should know better 
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Avatar

I saw Avatar tonight.

I feel like it shook up my insides.

And now I need to see it 10 more times and write a paper on it.

Future analysis and parallels to come.

Man.

Inside my empathetic jacket, Haiti lies on my heart

Well I guess it's about time
that I look past the head lines and fundraisers and frantic photos
of people running, huddling and hugging
and try on this coat called empathy
that I have left hanging up for far too long.

Because while I sit and wallow in my own puddle of self-centred life,
tragedy hits a few thousand kilometers away.
And while my life deems wallowable in my mind at times,
I'm going to dare to slip back on that empathy coat
and see past the newsprint and coloured ink.

And when I dare to let my eyes penetrate,
I see the boy's expressionless face,
"Where am I going, where should I go?
Where is my Mamma and which direction should I walk?"
He is calm, perhaps frozen in the disbelief of his life that has just shattered,
that when he survives, it will be a tragic memory of confusion and pain and loss.

And when I dare to open my ears, and try to fathom what an earthquake sounds like,
I hear stillness.
Trapped.
Under the rubble, and all she can hear is water dripping, dripping, dripping
down the concrete that is lying vertical and perpendicular all around her body
as she waits
for someone to remember her.
To look, to dig, to search, to rescue her.

And when I dare to smell.
I inhale dust.
Buildings fallen, dust rising.
Dreams dashed, and dust rising.
Families destroyed... and dust rising.

Can one taste an earth quake?
Thank you World Vision.
Thank you Compassion.
Thank you UNICEF.
Thank you Samaritan's Purse.
For taking food and water.
For ensuring that physical needs are important, and that heart needs will come with time and healing.

And as I struggle with this final sense,
I try to imagine what it would be like to touch Haiti right now.
Touch the mother who could not find her daughter for 2 days, before finding her at a safe camp.
Touch the daughter who's mother held her through the dismantle of their home, whose body was protected by the woman who gave her life.
Touch the father who was gone early for work and came home to his family, gone.
Touch the brother who is left as the oldest surviver of his family, now responsible for his siblings.
Touch the family who was spared from death, and now must rebuild their life from the rubble.

And as I spout out these stories, the reality sinks in that they are indeed, REAL.
I search for context, so I might understand...

This empathetic jacket feels heavy right now,
as my heart is overwhelmed.
The irony sinks in, because as I so yearn to FEEL alive,
my neighbours are simply happy to BE alive.
Context is a rather bitter pill at times....

Hope?
Hope?
Where are you?
My heart feels void of you as I think of my brothers and sisters...
I can only hope you have taken up full residence in the heart of Haiti.

A Good Story.

My spare time in the last 4 days has been spent watching the Anne of Green Gables trilogy. One hundred percent, that story is one of my favourite stories of all time. Family love, small town goodness, beautiful PEI, childhood hatred turned to adult love, bossum friends and kindred spirits, farm life and classy socials.
When your school teacher remembers and loves her students.
When children respect adults and they are loved dearly.
When people bicycled to get around.
When, if you wanted to speak with someone, you approached them directly.
People used mail to communicate.
Women wore classy dresses.
You ate the peas you just podded for dinner.
Men would ask for dances in advance to the actual dance. And women had dance cards to record the reserved dances on.
Where romance was subtle, yet obvious, and there was always a romantic bridge to kiss on, or a grassy meadow to dance in.

Story.
What a gift - to wrapped up in an imaginative life, where the characters are so real and relatable. Your heart is so involved in the plot that your emotions rise and fall with that of the people in the story.
Is it a way to escape my life, and enter into someone elses?
Is it an avenue in which to let my dreams run wild in?
Is it a parallel to my own story, my journey, my life, in which I become friends with Anne and respect Miss Stacey, swoon over Gilbert and empathize for Katherine Brookes?

I love story.
I love writing and dreaming.
I think I would love Prince Edward Island.
And I looooove story.

I had a dream last night...

... I was in a war. My team was all in boats, and the war was on the water. We travelled at night, so we could sneak up on enemy ships.
We were trying to sink Pyro Pyraro's ship. We launched out of a drug store, that was right on the water. I had a rented kayak; it was red.
As we were paddling through the night, in our various boats (canoes, rowboats, kayaks... and the one red tractor that could drive on water), the sun was starting to rise and we could see the sillouettes of all these other boats on the horizon - big boats. But since it was only dawn, they were all sleeping.
Then we started paddling through an area where Pyro Pyraro had already been! There were about a dozen empty canoes and kayaks! I was smart: I pulled up beside them and took the cannon balls from their cannons so I had extra amo for my cannon. My friend Phil from Camp Qwanoes saw me do this and gave me a thumbs up. I gave him some extra cannon balls.
All of a sudden - there we were! Pyro Pyraro's ship!
Our leader, in his red tractor that drove on water, drove up to the ship, and set the back on fire. It started sinking like the Titanic!
BUT, Pyro Pyraro and one of his men (who had a fake long white British wig on) jumped out into the water! Our leader jumped out of the tractor and ran across the water, and killed Pyro Pyraro and his man.
Then, the tractor, which was was unoporated by a driver, drove up the ridge of the boat that was still sinking, caught air, landed in the water, and sank.
We lost our red tractor that drove on water.
So, off we went back to the drug store launch pad. No on knew about the war. I went and found the toothpaste aisle because I needed my backpack from it, which had my Nikes in it. I only put one shoe on, then went back 5 mins later to find the other one. I had to pee but there was a long line for the bathroom after the battle.
A staff member put my kayak deep into the warehouse, so we were trying to find it to get it out, so we could go back out into battle.
AND THE KICKER: a drug mart staff member, (who is real life is a lady named Margaret that I know in Vancouver), started telling me about her friend Pyro Pyraro who comes into the drug store after his battles and he sits and talks to Margaret. She said how he always wins battles because he has a trick - he sets HIS boat on fire. (I didn't really understand how that won him battles, but I figured he must have been a lonely guy to only have a friend at the drug store).
And I still had to pee.

THEN I WOKE UP. I really wanted to get back to my dream because we were going into battle again. But it was 9am, I had slept for 8hrs, and I really had to go to the bathroom.

THE END.