An Arranged Marriage

We were invited over for chai with a good national friend of Jake and Melissa’s. Melissa asked them to show us their wedding photos. They were beautiful! The bride looked like royalty - the most beautiful, deep red sari, covered in sparkly decals, with intricate henna covering her hands and what looked like pounds of gold jewelry adorning her body. An India wedding has so many traditional components that I could hardly understand any of the photos, but you could tell the day was chocked full of colourful tradition and celebration with its 1000 guests. 

It was the first time they had met.

In order to get married, her family paid a dowry to his family, judging on his wealth and education. All the dowry and wedding arrangements would have been made beforehand. The bride and groom would be brought out and sat beside each other. Maybe they would steal glances at each other. But it wouldn’t be until later that they would look at each other face to face. And it would be until after the wedding that they would start to get to know each other. 

Both are from a higher caste in the four caste system in India, which has hundreds of sub-castes. Nearly everyone in their generation has their marriage arranged, and they are only a few years older than us. Love marriages are just starting to be socially accepted; before you would essentially be shunned by your family if you left and married someone that wasn’t arranged. 

They say that when their children grow up, they will be completely fine if their children want a love marriage. They will be happy to look for a spouse for their child if that’s what their child wants. It’s still common to prefer an arranged marriage. It’s the cultural norm, just as “love marriages” are normal for us. 

Jake and Mel’s friend has a sister who is 28 and unmarried. This is a big family stress, as she is “getting old”. There are three challenges to marrying her off. One, their mother died a few years ago, and it is always the mother who spearheads the search. Two, the family spent more money than planned on the first sisters’ marriage, because she married a very wealthy man. And third, she’s very picky. Haha. 

Jake and Mel have another friend who is in the second lowest caste. She cannot read or write and people in their community and caste would never have a job more than servants or labourers. An average salary would be less than $20-25 a month. When their friend’s daughter got married the other year, the dowry was over $400 - they had to take out a loan that they are still paying off. 

A little side story... Melissa took the mother-daughter shopping for a wedding sari at a store that they regularly wouldn’t be allowed to be into, because of their caste. They were allowed in because of Melissa, but the staff refused to talk to them, only Melissa. Melissa gave them a mouthful about what she thought about that, and soon the staff were bringing out chai and coca cola for the mom and daughter! They had the time of their lives, never having been in a store like that in their lives trying on saris like that. 

We saw a wedding progression on the street the other night with dozens of dressed up people hoisting lights into the air, clapping, chanting and playing instruments. Included in the progression was a brand new car covered in flowers and streamers - a part of the dowry for the groom’s parents - obviously a well off family. So while a low caste bride’s dowry would be $400, a high caste bride’s dowry would be hundreds of thousands of dollars, including cars, washing machines, water heaters, motorbike, a house, family vacations, a cow... wow. 

I had a peer in high school who was Indian and she openly talked about her future arranged marriage. We were all outraged and couldn’t imagine that future for us. When in my early twenties, I decided that I would trust my parents enough to make a fair choice on a partner for me - they knew me, my character and what would make a solid match for me. Would I have gone through with it? - I don’t know, but I don’t think it would be toooo ridiculously outrageous if it was the cultural norm. 

But here, a groom isn’t picked on character! He is picked on caste, wealth and education. He may be an abuser, a woman hater and an addict, but that would be disregarded. And the women here are so “below” the men, that so many are married into unsafe situations and have no say in how they are treated. Indian men so often do not grow to love their wives and the wives live their life in misery. 

But that original couple that I wrote about? They’ve been married five years. They have two children. And they have grown to love each other, take care of each other, respect each other and share life together. It’s a whole different marriage journey that anything a westerner could experience. 

Arranged marriage can work.