What is Christmas?

Evergreen trees.
Santa Clause.

The Grinch.

The manger.

Christmas carols about snow.

Christmas carols about a baby and a virgin mom.

Christmas carols about love and broken hearts.

Advent.

Mistletoe.

Family.

Baby Jesus was born.

Presents.

Generosity. 

Helping the poor.

The time of the year when homeless people can eat a hot meal every day (as opposed to February). 

Angels.

Selfishness.

Celebrating family.

Celebrating Jesus.

Celebrating greed.

Marketing at its best.

Thankfulness.

Expensive flights.

Chocolate.

Starbucks peppermint lattes.

Coca-Cola.

Hope. 

Joy. 

Peace. 

Love.

The food bank.

The Christmas story.

Christmas dinners (...justified gluttony?) 

Christmas baking.

Christmas lights.

Christmas trees.

Christmas decorating.

Christmas sales.

Christmas Eve mass/church.

Christmas movies.

Christmas holidays.

Christ...?

What is tradition?

What is truth?

Which is priority?

...We're so confused.

Take me to that place

There was a time in my life
when life fit into a back pack
every day there was something to journal about
passion ignited
curiosity unquenchable
invincibility, assumed.

When rent and 9-5 didn't exist
I didn't have a conscience of responsibility,
rather a drive for adventure.

Is it selfishness to explore the world
where there are people to invest in here?

It it foolish to let go of so called societal expectations to feel full of life, to take in the character of God through His creation?
I hope not.

I want to live the life on the shoestring again.
When you fill your belly with local plates of goodness, crafted from the garden, made with love.
Where the land and sky look different, where eyes can see for miles, and where you can't see past the next peak.
Where the sun is the same but everything under it is new.

Where smiles are the same but the language that leaves them is foreign.
Where hours on a bus are justified by what awaits when you get off.

Clothes get washed in the shower,
Food gets eaten when hungry,
When songs of life play in your head and you have a whole new appreciation of where you came from, and a broadened imagination of where you will go.
When a conversation on with a stranger probes you to think of your past.

Where forgiving is easy and resentments fall away.

When it's easier to understand home because you can think of it outside of the box.
Where culture varies and beauty encompasses.
Where watermelon is sold on the side of the road and bodies are dressed differently.

When a smile says enough.

Where there are mountains to climb
waves to surf
rivers to boat
trails to be hiked
rocks to climb
waters to explore

When your wallet is full of foreign currency
and your passport is permanently in your waist
When Lonely Planet, your Bible and journal are the only paper sources carried, and are all worn out to the same level.
When you have bug bites from sleeping at the beach and scraped knees from slipping on the mountain trail.
When you have no idea what the next day will hold, but your certain that you will have a banana for breakfast and a beer with dinner.

Seeing life done differently is fuel to keep moving forward.
Standing at the bottom of the mountain makes you feel small to the world; standing at the top makes you feel like you can conquer it.

Take me to that place
where I feel alive, breathing in life
gulping in the adrenaline of travel
as the world
becomes
within reach again.

Various Life Thoughts

1. Pride in busyness?


Hello, my name is Sarah Hill, and I have to fight busyness to stay sane. Sometimes then, when I have a spare afternoon, I feel weird because I feel like I should be 'doing' something. I have an obsession with 'doing'.

a week of my life in Feb. 2010

How often when someone asks how you're doing, is your response "Busy, but good." Our culture has an addiction to always be doing, doing, doing. We are taught to define ourselves by doing. The more we do, the more we're busy with, the more worthwhile our time is, the better person we are. Even within gospel ministry, the more we're 'doing' for the Kingdom of God makes our lives more worthwhile. Does the more we 'do', make our salvation more significant than our brother's? We take pride in our full schedules.

Often when asked how we're doing, we rattle off a list of things that we've done. Was the question "what are you doing?" or "how are you doing?" Could we dare to open up our hearts to say how our hearts are doing? Oooh, vulnerability. That would be scary.

You and me alike, we need to fight to find a balance between apathy/laziness and taking pride and identity in being busy.
Work hard, yes. By God's strength and for His glory, not our own.
Be still as well, and know that He is God - not our agendas, our icalenders. To pause amidst responsibilities and acknowledge the core purpose of this life - to live by God's grace and worship him.
What's your focus - the lighthouse in the distance, or the current that you're caught in right now?
We need to focus our hearts.
On the King.

2. Eminen & Rihanna: I Love the Way You Lie
I heard this super catchy song on the radio about a month ago. Looked up the lyrics and watched the video and was bug eyed for all 4 minutes and 27 second of it. It's story of a couple who love each other, then hate each other, love each other, then hate each other. It basically jumps back and forth from sex to physical fighting. Over. And over. And over.

You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words 
when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the rage that's the culprit, controls you both
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar, if she ever tries to leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire



I guess I haven't had MTV on for years, but I truly couldn't believe the shots in that video that are legal to create - extreme anger, spitting in faces, punching through drywall inches from a face, burning bodies, physical abuse + nudity and basically sex. The simultaneous music and lyrics add extra mood to the song.
There's no denial that brokenness  exists in the world. But should we be glorifying it, which incidentally, affirms it for who knows how many people?
I tried to find some redemptive components... but every time something positive came up, it was matched with a downhill spiral of violence.
Too bad it was such a catchy tune.
I still think Eminem is incredibly talented at rapping.

3. East Vancouver vs. The North Shore
Strathcona, in East Vancouver is where it is most common for something to be uneducated and unemployed. It have the smallest percentage of students graduate from high school.

North and West Vancouver on the The North Shore have the highest employment rates and the highest percentage of high school graduates. 

East Vancouver has the lowest paying jobs and the cheapest housing in the city (with the average house a 'measly' half a million, at least), including the majority of public housing and immigrated families.

The North Shore's residents hold the highest paying jobs and have the most expensive housing (with the average house upwards towards 1- 1.5 million.


Family variations are all over the map; there are Strathcona mothers who push and challenge their kids in school, helping them as much as possible with school work and help define their character in impactful ways. There are West Vancouver mothers who see their children 3 hours a day, long enough to bring home take out and drive them around to piano lessons, soccer practice and after school tutoring. These moms hardly have a voice in their children's lives. Brokenness lies in every demographic.

MacDonald Elementary, at East Hastings and Victoria, is closing because they are only at 1/3 capacity. I recently spoke to an affluent mother who lives on the West Side; she said she would never  enroll her child at a school like MacDonald because of the influence of broken families that is present in MacDonald's students' lives. With a reputation like that, no wonder MacD is only at 30% capacity.

I don't have a grand finale point. Just wanted to write out some thoughts.

An evening of rolling down, then up

6:30pm tonight:

"Life has shifted. It's weird and hard to talk about because it's so weird. 

I think I'm overwhelmed by this new pace of life: it's slower, simpler, holds 'less'... but what does that even mean?

This year, I've gone from the sporadic, unpredictable schedule of youth work in East Van, to an extended transition of quick geographic turnovers and many traveled miles, to the summer camp life of constant movement, on-the-go, thinking ahead, taking initiative, making things happen... to 'recovering'... winding down... resting... and now.

For the first time in, perhaps ever? I now have what our culture says is 'normal life'. 

I'm not a student.

I'm not doing a temporary job.

I have a job that's regular business hours, in an office environment, within the education system of our culture.

I have a boyfriend, and we're dreaming about life together, which is AWESOME.

I live in a city, with regulated transit, structure, constant media, expectations, news, gossip and culture.

Why does this all of a sudden feel foreign?

wounded passion

stunted thoughts

do these come from

giving up on passion

not feeding or expressing my thoughts?

...because of a tainted understanding that i must always publish and share my thoughts with others in order for them to be legitimate?

well, that's a lie from this communication addicted culture.

i want to disappear from it.

what inspires me?"

________________________________

8pm tonight:

MIND MAP:

My dream as of right now:

I would wake up early and make my bed, placing colourful throw pillows on the top. Breakfast is eggs, toast, yogurt and fruit in the bright kitchen with big windows. Well balanced photographs line the walls. Once finished, I would head out side to the ocean. After writing while sitting on some big rocks overlooking the water, would tie up my hikers and climb around the rocky shoreline, pausing to watch the biggest waves crash onto the rock. I'd embrace the urge to worship God into the wind and write out heart prayers in the sand. Then I'd hit the waves for an hour of rigorous paddling in hopes of catching a good wave or two to surf. 

Halfway through the day, I take some time to pull the ladder out and spend the rest of the morning painting the exterior of my house, while listening to my playlist of songs that perfectly described my life at one point. 

I would ride the bus into town and spend some time browsing the used book store and pick up some flowers for a friend. I'd grab a good cup of coffee and walk around the village, observing old houses and architecture. I'd smile every time I'd see an old couple, obviously still in love with each other or families interacting with each other.

Dinner would be with my love, Andrew (who although wasn't in the mind map, is an assumed appreciation and inspiration in my life). We'd be dressed up and eat dinner outside on a blanket, with candles and piano music playing in the background! I'd have tried a new recipe  and we'd have an honest conversation about hearts, life, hockey, Costa Rica, dreams, risks, food, love, our days, travel and adventures. 

There would be no city lights, and the stars would be extra vibrant.

I need to start writing more.

And I need to embrace my introverted self instead of forcing "Social Sarah" all the time!

That is it.

:)


Happy people below.

This Next Season

In three days, my room mate and I move into our looong awaited new apartment.
In seven days I start a new job.

Our apartment is on a quiet side street, across the street from a school and a park.
My new job is as an admin assistant, I'll be sitting at a desk, working Monday - Friday, 9 to 5.

I've been on the run for six months now: Ontario, California, camp, Ontario, couch surfing everywhere and anywhere in between...
I've grown accustomed to living out of duffle bags and rubber maids.
I regularly keep a stash of canned tuna, bread, granola bars and apples in my car.

Sarah Hill, once willing and proud to be on the run, flexible, sporadic, impulsive, living life on the run... is looking forward to a season of stability which is just around the bend.
I'm looking forward to baking and taking walks. To sleeping in on Saturdays and being able to go to church every Sunday. To know my work schedule weeks, even months (!) in advance!
To have a job that doesn't involve my heart in an intense way for a season.
To rest.
To breathe.
To enjoy people and relationships.
To be part of a community of people who love God.
To slow down.
To process what has happened, what is happening and to prepare for what is ahead.

Thank you Lord for this season ahead!
I trust your leading and am anticipating great things!

The Sex Industry: The Real Problem

As I was in the airport today, I wandered into the shop that is completely devoted to tabloids, magazines and newspapers. 

If "what is going on in this world?" is the question, this store must have all the answers.

I couldn't help but be drawn to the head line "Sex Isn't Selling", and my immediate thought was "Are you crazy? Where are you living, sex sells everything in this culture."

It was a business magazine.

It was reporting on the sex industry in America. The first paragraph documented a mother asking her son if he pays for pornography - not the issue of if he looks at it, but if he pays for it.

Anybody today can take part of the sex industry today and not have to pay for it.

This is a problem in the business world. Because of the easy access to free pornography online, producers are losing money on their sex business.  As a result, there are lay offs. Producers, actors/actresses and make up artists are losing money. The recommendation is for people to "get out of the business as soon as you can". 

Another point was brought up. Since sex is so readily available everywhere from food commercials to bus stop signs to television and window displays, it's loosing its' shock factor. Its' racy-ness. Its' curiosity factor. What would have been shocking to see in the 90s is a regular occurrence today, therefore people aren't as drawn to the product being advertised. 

This is another problem in the business world. Out culture is numb to sex. How in the world are they going to sell products now?

Does anyone else see the REAL problem here?

Our culture has completely voided the sex industry itself as a problem... and now the problem is that the sex industry itself isn't bringing in enough money.

The sex industry kills men from the inside out.

The sex industry manipulates women to think they need to be something in order to receive love.

The sex industry nullifies God's beautiful gift to us of sexuality.

That's the real problem folks.

Please get real about life, Canadian Business magazine. Money isn't the ultimate. 

We need to recognize peoples' hearts. 

Five Months in Review!

HELLO!
It's been five months, and I've been MIA to much of the world. On one hand I rejoice, it's been lovely, but on the other hand I am sorry for being away! And on my imaginative third hand, I have MISSED blogging! Oh my! There is something about 'publishing' thoughts - it affirms something in my heart. So, along with a newly styled blog, I'm back. Feel free to be here with me!
It's been a summer!

I went to California - San Fran, LA, Laguna, Newport, San Clemente and everything on the I-5 inbetween, with two now dear friends Anna and Nancy! The weather was a bummer because of the Iceland Volcano believe it or not, which made for crummy camping and crummy surfing. But, alas, God is faithful to teach in all situations and it was a joy to experience His creation down the coast. Unfortunately this also meant experiencing the obnoxiously ridiculous amounts of urban development in Southern California which I am just fine with never visiting again. It's not all that Hollister tees make it out to be, folks. San Fransisco was awesome - I will be back there one day to wander the coffee shops and drive up and down those crazy hilled streets lined with magnificent Victorian architectured homes! It's a very romantic city, lots of character! Next time I'll be sure to creep on the Full House home...

Moving.

After a fancy night of fine food
and dancing!

Back to Vancouver for a week included packing up my apartment and moving everything to storage units, friend's houses and Andrew's closet. It was a whirlwind and it felt great to downsize the "stuff" I'd accumulated in 16 months of living in Vancouver. It was my goal to not have to pay for storage over the summer, and my stuff was distributed between 3 friends' homes! Lots of time was spent with Andrew as I was about to move to Vancouver Island for 4 months...



Camp Qwanoes, Vancouver Island.
What a life chapter. 
I remembered loving rural community. Non-city landscape. Trees, stars, ocean, mountains. Simple life. Little farms and plenty of wild flowers, vegetable farms and berry picking. Slow movement. Rivers and lakes. Wild life.

Nicki, myself and Amanda

Camp is always fun - living in community with dozens of other young adults who love Jesus and are seeking him and how to follow him better. It was an adjustment, being in my mid-twenties and feeling very independent in a very shared living space and routine.
I was at camp for two months before campers arrived, being a part of the developing team, getting the camp ready and hosting guest groups and retreats.  My role this summer was Assistant Head Counsellor, which was essentially leading and supporting the 80+ female counselors with my two dear sistas Amanda and Nicki. They are phenomenal women to work and do life with, what a joy! Also: Alicia Marshall - a joy, a sister-friend, a support, a giggle and heart mesher, thank you for being my friennndddd!
It was new for me to step back from the front lines of working with youth and to lead and support staff. But WOW what a sweet time it was - the women that God had at Camp Qwanoes this summer are top choice, strong, compassionate, gentle women who passionately love God and are following His call for their lives! 

Laura Hill, folks!

My sister Laura was one of these fantastic ladies! I just gotta do a shout out to her 'cause she's awesome. It was so sweet to have family around this summer. I've been out and about adventuring for years and while God has given me rad friends who are like family to walk along the way with me, nothing beats good ol' Hill spunk - I love Laura Meredith Hill. I'm so proud of the woman she is becoming and her zest for life! She was a crazy awesome counselor and is straight up G. I love her!
Seester, you rock my world, thanks for being in BC this summer!


What a summer of restoration.
I was so scared to enter back into ministry this summer after last year's terrible burnout. 
I learned how God delivers us from our fears. 
I really learned to trust Him and soar under the shadow of His wings. He raised me up and restored me. 
I am now staring at forgiving some things from last year, and what that means. 
I learned how His truths identify and blast out lies that Satan tries to deceive us with. 
I've learned about being truthful, even in the little things, the sarcastic, seemingly innocent things. 
How living under God's authority brings freedom. 
This summer was such a growing season for me and I'm only beginning to look back and reflect on what God's done! 
 "I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
      saying, ‘You are my servant.’
   For I have chosen you
      and will not throw you away.
 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
      Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
   I will strengthen you and help you.
      I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
                                   -Isaiah 41:9-10


Andrew + Sarah = LOVE!

Andrew popped outta the bushes
and surprised me on my
birthday! 

Five months of not living in the same city... done and done!
What a summer of strengthening and growth. And wretched apartness. 
About 5000 texts, hours of phone calls and ferry commuting, dozens of letters written and received and $452.00 in phone bills later... and we love each other more than ever, haha!
Andrew was my biggest support this summer, faithful and strong, honest and real. His commitment and support to me is a true gift from God and I am so grateful for the man that he is. We're excited to see what this next season will hold! 
(He's glad I'm back!!)


All that to say... this is life! 
To all those who held me in their thoughts and prayers this summer - THANK YOU! I was seriously carried by God's grace these past five months and I am so thankful for you.
I'm back in Vancouver now, heading to Ontario for the last week of the month, then back to a new job and new apartment and stepping forward, eyes on God.


Peace yo.

California

I'm leaving for California in 7hrs.
10 day surf trip.
This has been a dream of mine for approximately a decade.

Yay :)

Irony from 2006!

Confession: I used to keep a secret blog. And I found it tonight. This is what I wrote in the beginning of my 2nd year of college:

September 30th, 2006
I think I decided that... well, I am graduating spring 2008. And I'm going to build some experience working around here - become skilled at what I do, etc etc. And... then I think... if I don't have anything going for me here... I'm going to take off. To a place... that I know nothing about. And know no one there. And be completely unfamiliar. With new coffee shops and neighbors and shoe stores and parks and churchs. So that I have to build up a life again. Or rather, depending on where I am... let God build me up a life there. It's funny when I think about it... because I know that if I WAS in a place that was 100% new and unfamiliar, I know I would go to a church for familiarity. For friends and support and encouragement. Maybe that will happen one day... I'll be a stranger in some big city and I will walk into a little church that has God-lovers in it, and they will see me in my distress and confusion and incomplete-ness... and show me that love that seems to have become so normal around here.

New York?
SanFancisco?
Edmonton?
Toronto?
Ottawa?
It has to be somewhere I can wear a scarf and mittens in the winter though. They are very comforting :)
 
Current address: Vancouver, BC... didn't make the possibilites list, and I don't shop at shoe stores really, but man - forshadowing is wack, yo.

It helps to understand the problem.

It started 4 years ago. I took some medicine for 3 months, but it didn't ever go away.
I should have gone back about 2 years ago, but I kept putting it off.
I thought I was tougher,
I thought it would go away,
I thought I could ignore it.
I figured that since medicine didn't work last time, why would I waste efforts and money on it again?
Well, 24 months of moderate annoyance and I finally hauled my butt to the doctor this morning to check out a problem I've been having with my foot.
An hour wait at the clinic, and a 15 minute chat with a friendly man who reminded me of a viking in Santa Claus' body - and I figured out what was happening with my foot, and how we could make it go away.
Huh.
Well, that was easy.

The doctor was smart. He can recognize symptoms. He knows what's going on under the surface. He knows how to fix it from the inside out, not just slap a bandaid on it. He gave me his time to answer my questions and concerns.

I walked out of the clinic knowing what was going on, and how go about fixing the problem.
CLARITY is AMAZING.

...and then: REALIZATION!
Life makes sense when we understand what's going on.
Our problems are much more manageable when we can understand what's happening.
It helps to understand the problem: physical problems, emotional problems, mental problems, spiritual problems.
First we have to realize: there is a problem here.
Then we have to admit it.
Then we should muster up enough bravery to ask for help!
It's not a weakness thing - it takes strength to reach out for answers, I've learned!
And here's the beautiful thing: we are made to help each other along.
Just as my doctor this morning was so wise in identifying my foot issue, there are people alongside us in life that have gone through similar things, wrestled through them and have claimed victory. PRAISE GOD! I don't think I know one person who has experienced life-problems and solved everything by themself. It's such a beautiful thing of community and family to share wisdom and to be strengthened, encouraged, enlightened and challenged by brothers and sisters. HONESTLY! What a great idea! -- Thank you God!

Then, once we "get it" - the road to victory isn't so much covered in fog anymore. It could still be rocky and difficult... but not as much fog.

It takes courage.
It takes humilty.
We're not always tough enough.
Things don't always just go away.
It comes to a point where we can't ignore it anymore.
And even if people have failed us before, it's a good idea to dare to reach out again.

I dare you.
It helps to understand the problem.

< 3

LOVE!

A various mish mash of thoughts.

These weeks I have been thinking about life. As per usual. But haven't had time to write about anything yet. So, here it is.

One.
Irony: I had a really great week a couple weeks back. It was fun, so much joy and laughter was shared! And then the next week: BRICK WALL. I don't know if it was an attack or what, but it was the complete opposite of the previous week. Why does that happen?
Overwhelming.
Anxiety.
Stress.
Over-responsibility.
Unrealistic expectations.
New time commitments.
New relationship.
Low motivation, self-doubt.
Why does that happen?

Two. 
God is GOOD.
I work part time at a tutoring centre on the west side. It's great how involved parents are in their kids life - how they take initiative in their child's learning, encourage their child and celebrate their victories.
One day in particular, a little boy came out from his lesson with his tutor. His Mom was there waiting for him. His tutor briefly explained what they had covered in the lesson, including a new word that he had learned. The mother's eyes brightened and widened and a smile filled her face. Her son began to spell his new word: "w-a-s". She was exhilarated for him and you have thought that she had nothing else to be proud of, but the fact that her son knew how to spell "was".
God is GOOD - in the big AND small victories.
We are worth celebrating.

Three.
If you are within 25 feet of a computer right now (stupid thing to say, you're clearly reading this) - you could pull up your facebook homepage and read some status updates.
I've noticed, especially with the next generation (yay teenagers) that facebook statuses are sometimes more like glimpses into their secret diaries. Nothing is held back.
"Sally didn't think life could get any worse. Then today happened."
"Jackie doesn't think anyone cares about her right now."
"Tom is about to give up."
"Amy is afraid of when he dies and can't stop crying."
...it's like we need to post our thoughts.
...it's like we need people to hear us.
...we know that things will get read on facebook.
...it's like we need affirmation of some sort.

Three point five.
Oooooh affirmation.
Recognition, and affirmation.
It's SO human of us - this core desire to be heard, recognized and affirmed with what we're feeling!
At church this morning I learned about fearing God and fearing man.
Pleasing God vs. Pleasing Man.
Being rooted in God vs. Being rooted by Man.
Sustainable vs. Unsustainable.
Fulfillment vs. a Taste of Fulfillment.
I love being affirmed by people! It's so encouraging! But do I seek human-affirmation before I seek God's-approval? I think my heart deeply desires/craves God's approval. He did make me, and something about having your Creator's approval means everything. (Similar as having our parent's approval).
Human-affirmation is so much more tangible. God-affirmation is so much deeper. Resonating.
Mmmmmmmm.

Four.
Simple thought: I wonder if flowing with my busy schedule rather than resisting it would take less energy?

Five.
"Any society that commonly assumes that God will not discipline sin in this life or judge it in the next will have no fear of God and will therefore give itself increasingly to evil."

We now deserve, because we were given something we didn't deserve

you deserve to be heard.
you deserve to have my mind open to you.
you deserve to be loved.
you deserve to be held.
you deserve to have someone interested in your life!
you deserve to have grace extended to you.
you deserve to have your basic needs met.
you deserve to be able to let your guard down.
you deserve to be taken care of.
you deserve to be told the truth.
you deserve to fight.
you deserve to stop fighting.
you deserve to have your battles won.
you deserve to trust, even when it seems impossible.
you deserve your voice.
you deserve to be aware of your walls, weaknesses and hinderances.
you deserve to be able to break through those.
you deserve to be forgiven.
you deserve to be able to yell and shout.
you deserve to be able to make a difference.
you deserve to have your heart melted.
you deserve to love yourself.
you deserve to be called beautiful.
you deserve to be called good.
you deserve to know that you have built into your children's lives.
you deserve to know that you made a difference.
you deserve to know that you are part of who i am.
you deserve to rest.
you deserve be released.
you deserve peace.
you deserve appreciation.
you deserve freedom.
you deserve to be confident.
you deserve to cry.
and again, you deserve to be loved.
You are His beloved.


Surrender to it.

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. 

And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. 

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 

Yet God, with undeserved kindness, [aka GRACE] declares that we are righteous.

He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

-Romans 3:22-24

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

-Ephesians 2:4-5

Grace.

...and we deserve. 

$

I know He will sustain me.
I know it's not crusial.
I've been incredibly blessed.
...but I'd really love to find $5000 on the street.
Pinching pennies is tiring.

untitled, for you.

Trust You - Brandon Heath

I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame 
I know I should know better 
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way

I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
I needed life, you gave me yours
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine

Avatar

I saw Avatar tonight.

I feel like it shook up my insides.

And now I need to see it 10 more times and write a paper on it.

Future analysis and parallels to come.

Man.

Inside my empathetic jacket, Haiti lies on my heart

Well I guess it's about time
that I look past the head lines and fundraisers and frantic photos
of people running, huddling and hugging
and try on this coat called empathy
that I have left hanging up for far too long.

Because while I sit and wallow in my own puddle of self-centred life,
tragedy hits a few thousand kilometers away.
And while my life deems wallowable in my mind at times,
I'm going to dare to slip back on that empathy coat
and see past the newsprint and coloured ink.

And when I dare to let my eyes penetrate,
I see the boy's expressionless face,
"Where am I going, where should I go?
Where is my Mamma and which direction should I walk?"
He is calm, perhaps frozen in the disbelief of his life that has just shattered,
that when he survives, it will be a tragic memory of confusion and pain and loss.

And when I dare to open my ears, and try to fathom what an earthquake sounds like,
I hear stillness.
Trapped.
Under the rubble, and all she can hear is water dripping, dripping, dripping
down the concrete that is lying vertical and perpendicular all around her body
as she waits
for someone to remember her.
To look, to dig, to search, to rescue her.

And when I dare to smell.
I inhale dust.
Buildings fallen, dust rising.
Dreams dashed, and dust rising.
Families destroyed... and dust rising.

Can one taste an earth quake?
Thank you World Vision.
Thank you Compassion.
Thank you UNICEF.
Thank you Samaritan's Purse.
For taking food and water.
For ensuring that physical needs are important, and that heart needs will come with time and healing.

And as I struggle with this final sense,
I try to imagine what it would be like to touch Haiti right now.
Touch the mother who could not find her daughter for 2 days, before finding her at a safe camp.
Touch the daughter who's mother held her through the dismantle of their home, whose body was protected by the woman who gave her life.
Touch the father who was gone early for work and came home to his family, gone.
Touch the brother who is left as the oldest surviver of his family, now responsible for his siblings.
Touch the family who was spared from death, and now must rebuild their life from the rubble.

And as I spout out these stories, the reality sinks in that they are indeed, REAL.
I search for context, so I might understand...

This empathetic jacket feels heavy right now,
as my heart is overwhelmed.
The irony sinks in, because as I so yearn to FEEL alive,
my neighbours are simply happy to BE alive.
Context is a rather bitter pill at times....

Hope?
Hope?
Where are you?
My heart feels void of you as I think of my brothers and sisters...
I can only hope you have taken up full residence in the heart of Haiti.

A Good Story.

My spare time in the last 4 days has been spent watching the Anne of Green Gables trilogy. One hundred percent, that story is one of my favourite stories of all time. Family love, small town goodness, beautiful PEI, childhood hatred turned to adult love, bossum friends and kindred spirits, farm life and classy socials.
When your school teacher remembers and loves her students.
When children respect adults and they are loved dearly.
When people bicycled to get around.
When, if you wanted to speak with someone, you approached them directly.
People used mail to communicate.
Women wore classy dresses.
You ate the peas you just podded for dinner.
Men would ask for dances in advance to the actual dance. And women had dance cards to record the reserved dances on.
Where romance was subtle, yet obvious, and there was always a romantic bridge to kiss on, or a grassy meadow to dance in.

Story.
What a gift - to wrapped up in an imaginative life, where the characters are so real and relatable. Your heart is so involved in the plot that your emotions rise and fall with that of the people in the story.
Is it a way to escape my life, and enter into someone elses?
Is it an avenue in which to let my dreams run wild in?
Is it a parallel to my own story, my journey, my life, in which I become friends with Anne and respect Miss Stacey, swoon over Gilbert and empathize for Katherine Brookes?

I love story.
I love writing and dreaming.
I think I would love Prince Edward Island.
And I looooove story.

I had a dream last night...

... I was in a war. My team was all in boats, and the war was on the water. We travelled at night, so we could sneak up on enemy ships.
We were trying to sink Pyro Pyraro's ship. We launched out of a drug store, that was right on the water. I had a rented kayak; it was red.
As we were paddling through the night, in our various boats (canoes, rowboats, kayaks... and the one red tractor that could drive on water), the sun was starting to rise and we could see the sillouettes of all these other boats on the horizon - big boats. But since it was only dawn, they were all sleeping.
Then we started paddling through an area where Pyro Pyraro had already been! There were about a dozen empty canoes and kayaks! I was smart: I pulled up beside them and took the cannon balls from their cannons so I had extra amo for my cannon. My friend Phil from Camp Qwanoes saw me do this and gave me a thumbs up. I gave him some extra cannon balls.
All of a sudden - there we were! Pyro Pyraro's ship!
Our leader, in his red tractor that drove on water, drove up to the ship, and set the back on fire. It started sinking like the Titanic!
BUT, Pyro Pyraro and one of his men (who had a fake long white British wig on) jumped out into the water! Our leader jumped out of the tractor and ran across the water, and killed Pyro Pyraro and his man.
Then, the tractor, which was was unoporated by a driver, drove up the ridge of the boat that was still sinking, caught air, landed in the water, and sank.
We lost our red tractor that drove on water.
So, off we went back to the drug store launch pad. No on knew about the war. I went and found the toothpaste aisle because I needed my backpack from it, which had my Nikes in it. I only put one shoe on, then went back 5 mins later to find the other one. I had to pee but there was a long line for the bathroom after the battle.
A staff member put my kayak deep into the warehouse, so we were trying to find it to get it out, so we could go back out into battle.
AND THE KICKER: a drug mart staff member, (who is real life is a lady named Margaret that I know in Vancouver), started telling me about her friend Pyro Pyraro who comes into the drug store after his battles and he sits and talks to Margaret. She said how he always wins battles because he has a trick - he sets HIS boat on fire. (I didn't really understand how that won him battles, but I figured he must have been a lonely guy to only have a friend at the drug store).
And I still had to pee.

THEN I WOKE UP. I really wanted to get back to my dream because we were going into battle again. But it was 9am, I had slept for 8hrs, and I really had to go to the bathroom.

THE END.

Once upon a time in 2009...

[Ever since age 19, it is tradition of my brother Mark Klausen and I to list all the significant things that happened in the previous year. In no particular order, here is year #5]

1. Packed up life into 2 suit cases, said goodbye to family and friends and moved across the country.
2. Discovered Craigslist.
3. Was blessed by community providing for each other.
4. Drove a minivan filled with children for 8 months.
5. Discovered 50% off day at Value Village
6. Learned how to share possessions with my community.
7. Collected 15yrs worth of National Geographics.
8. Painted my dresser bright yellow.
9. Learned Vancouver.
10. Travelled to Ontario, Alberta, Oregon, Seattle, Whistler, the Island.
11. Went hiking approximately 30 times.
12. Slept in a tent 3 times, all post summer.
13. Lived in 3 different apartments.
14. Slept in approximately 15 different beds.
15. Owned my first car, which I was given for free.
16. Worked 4 different jobs.
17. Got to know an incredibly loved, awesome group of kids in East Vancouver.
18. Decided that I don't necessarily want to be single for the rest of my life.
19. Only bought produce at markets.
20. ...but did not become "organic".
21. Was pick pocketed and lost all my ID except my passport.
22. Got a Mac.
23. Rediscovered Dr. Suess.
24. Discovered poetry slams.
25. Worked for a week on a Native reserve in Alberta.
26. Had a passion explode for kids and youth on reserves.
27. Sat on Cannon Beach, Oregon and listened to Journey on repeat.
28. Spent so many sunny afternoons lying on a blanket at Trout Lake.
29. Fell in love with Commercial Drive.
30. Broke a lots wooden rings.
31. Travelled by bicycle a lot.
32. Watched summer sunsets from Kitts beach.
33. Was visited by Mom, Darrell & Karen, Jim & Bonnie, Brian, Mike Kelly, Bec, Lorae, Krista and Laura.
34. Went 6 months without seeing some of my family.
35. Lived in a ghetto junkhole apartment.
36. Ate uncountable Bon's $2.95 breakfasts.
37. Went horseback riding.
38. Met my childhood penpal from Germany.
39. Ate a lot of sushi and slushies.
40. Started a led Outer's Club - getting city kids outside!
41. Did an after school program.
42. Drove from Lethbridge - Vancouver, 14 straight hrs (including a speeding ticket, boooo.)
43. Spent 2 weeks at wonderful Camp Qwanoes.
44. Biked the seawall at Stanley Park probably 10 times.
45. Wrote poems.
46. Signed my first cell phone contract.
47. Filled a lot of journal space.
48. Possibly experienced love.
49. Broke a heart, and mine too.
50. Was the most lonely I've ever been.
51. Unemployed.
52. Gave it my all, but saw few outcomes.
53. Burnt out.
54. Broken, hopeless, stressed out, anxious, scared.
55. Considered giving up.
56. Saved by grace, sustained by God.
57. Was a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding.
58. Had to smile through a wedding I wasn't a fan of.
59. Went to 3 weddings and 2 funerals.
60. Decided to leave 2009 in 2009, and fully embraced the calender change.

:)