Small

I just need to get away from me,
I just need to find some piece of mind,
Caught in this game of unmet expectations,
I wanna leave it all behind,

I wanna be small,
I wanna be just like a child,
I wanna be quiet in your arms,
I wanna be small,
I wanna be just like a child,
I wanna be quiet in your arms

So in that moment when i loose myself,
Let the world fade away from me,
Give me a moment to just seek the silence,
I just wanna be set free.

This song is my saving grace when I can't be super any longer.

Four Fantastic Facts

I slept for 10.5 hrs last night.
(I woke up feeling pleasant).

I made a risky phone call today.
(Took 15 mins to build the courage).

I decided to walk in peace today, and it worked.
(It was beautiful, I only got stressed out once).

My hair is getting long.
(I may have pulled a low-side-pony).

All that said, days are good and His purpose never fails.

HOME: a few anticipated favourites

I'm leaving on a jet plane and landing in Kitchener, Ontario, in t-minus 11 days. Martin and I will be decked out in our Canada Day colours, flying in style while listening to our long planned Home Mix Playlist.

And these are some things I am looking forward to upon arrival in Inverhaugh-area:
1. Going barefoot on my Dad's lawn
2. Sitting at the 'penninsula' and reading the newspaper every morning with orange juice.
3. Sleeping without ear plugs.
4. Seeing the stars at night.
5. Driving in the country.
6. Rolling hills, rivers, farms and fields.
7. Krysten's wedding.
8. Campfires.
9. Elora.
10. Tubing down the Gorge.
11. Watching Laura play baseball.
12. Ultimate frisbee with my friends.
13. Woodside Church.
14. Talking with my family.
15. Friends.
16. Listening to Gavin play guitar.
17. Staying up late with my sisters.
18. My Dad and Mom.
19. Being taken care of.
20. Going outside in my pajamas.
21. Sleeping in the tent.
22. The Hills. The Hubers.
23. My friends' parents.
24. Seeing the new basement.
25. Being HOME - a thing of beauty in itself.

...dropping everything at the Vancouver airport and PEACING OUT.
Rest, breathe, relax, change.
Beautiful.
Healthy.
Mmmm, come onnnnn July 1st.

Retrospect

"You've got to look back to see where you've been to really realize where you're at."
-me

So began the old journal readings.

• "I don't really know what hope is, but it is something to cling to when everything else is falling apart." (April 17, 2006)
  
• "It is better to have love and to have lost than to never have loved at all. I THINK I agree?" (May 11, 2006)
  
• "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed by your name... I know God gave me Katharine, I know He took her away. I am blessed to have known and loved her. But I can't bless His name. I can't be pleased with Him right now." (May 20, 2006)
  
• "I believe in the sun when it's not shining, I believe in love, even when I feel it not, I believe in God, even when he is silent." (July 2, 2006)
  
• "When someone does something you DON'T LIKE, you tend to 'not really like them', even though you know they do other great things. I don't know how to break through this with God." (July 30, 2006)
  
• "I don't love God. I don't want to love God. But I want to want to love God." (August 28, 2006)
  
• "Why do I want to be less selfish? Maybe for selfish reasons. How do I change those reasons so that it's God who motivates change? The root of it all: The Cross. Maybe I have lost sight of what should be the centre. But everything loses its power once it's talked about for your whole life... and becomes regular. How do I make something regular become so powerful? Maybe it's because I can't even grasp the idea of someone dying for me, out of love, to spend eternity with him. WHY CAN'T I JUST UNDERSTAND IT!??" (Sept. 22, 2006)
  
• "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! I don't know what I'm doing in this life, just existing?"
  
• "Grace. It's a hard thing for me to understand. And accept." (September 3, 2006)
  
• "God, I am so egocentric. I need to get over myself in a BIG way. And I think only you can do that. I need to understand your greatness so I can do things for your glory, not mine." (October 6, 2006)

So lost.
So wandering.
So purpose-less.
So searching...
...often coming up empty.

But He is FAITHFUL.

"Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no you never let go, every high and every low, oh no you never let go, Lord you never let go of me."
-Leeland

You have to make it through something in order to gain retrospect.
I did...
...by grace.
GRACE!
Something I couldn't accept, I now cling to.

HOPE.
...which was mostly lost.
But faith the size of a mustard seed moved mountains.

LOVE.
...heals. Jesus is the doctor of the broken hearted, the hurting, the painful. It's his heart, his passion. This fact alone makes Him appealing.

HEALING.
...came with time. With openess. From hurt, from pain, from cynisism, from bitterness, from LIES, from my mind being in bondage.

I really can't think of any other way that this happened other than from God Almighty.
To Him be all Glory.

Thanks, Jesus.
Really, you saved my life.

Broken, and holding onto hope.

She is cold,
She is warm.
She is hardened,
She is soft.
She is sweet,
She is angry.
She is a scapegoat,
a release point for her family's anger.
She brings me tears; frustration, joy.
In her I see dispair,
In her I see beautiful hope.
I see a girl who's holding on,
even though by mere strings.
She feels love,
she feels loved.
She is broken,
She is beautiful.
She is scared,
scared of failing,
scared of succeeding.
Scared to step out again,
only to be smashed down.
Labeled as lost,
as a failure, as hopeless,
I smash those words.
Resilient, but yearning for their love.
Toughened by her life, but softened by His love.
They don't see her,
They don't know her,
They don't recognize her for who she is.
She is swept aside,
Rejected,
Put out to the curb.
No kindness shown,
Broken people breaking people.

In her I see love.
In her I see hope.
In her I see joy.
For her, I see healing.
For her, I see wholeness.
Beauty, in the broken.
Hope for her hopelessness.
Love, always love.

Rediscovered Beauty: Outside of the City Limits

This weekend I had the pleasure of busting free of this city I have grown to love and call home, and retreating to the sweet Guest House at Camp Qwanoes on Vancouver Island.
There are a number of tidbits that I would like to share with my invisible audience. Please take note.

It's funny. I proclaimed myself as a sold out city girl - lights, bridges, infinite coffee shops, rollerblading oppertunities, parks, unique people and culture groups, new hobbies and interests, public transit, and of course the people group that I have become my community, friends and family.
Well. As soon as I stepped out onto that 100 year old front porch, as soon as I left my shoes on the door mat and sauntered outside barefoot, as soon as I grew accustomed to the peacefulness of the calm quietness, as soon as I stared up into the trees from my hammock, and spent two nights sleeping in my tent, it hit me.

This is where I am from.
This is what I grew up with.
This is what shaped me.

...the country.

The beauty of natural nature trumps the man made lakes, specifically positioned trees and manicured flower beds.
Waking up to the birds is the best alarm clock I've heard in 5 months.
My ear plugs layed unused for two nights - the only two nights since January 7th.
Barefoot is best, no matter the dirt stains and cracked heels.
A nap in a hammock is by far the most satisfying way to relax.
Tromping through the forest is the best way to get from Point A to Point B.
Stars, I am convinced, are a direct way for God to communicate His glory to us.
The ocean as a backdrop makes life feel magnificent.
As much as I love Vancouver, my first love in BC is truly the Island, and I have a feeling I might live there some day.

I am back in the city. I parallel parked on the street, double checked to make sure my doors were locked, climbed 3 sets of stairs to my back door, played frisbee in a park that used to be wildgrass and am currently listening to the wiz of vehicals as they fly down Knight St, twenty feet from my building.

I love this bustling city.
But I sure do love my roots in the peaceful country, and now, for the first time in five months, I am willing to recognize these roots as good.