BUMMED.

WHISTLER:
EARLY SEASON
220cm SNOW BASE
SNOWIEST NOVEMBER ON THE RECORD.

We were going to drive up Tuesday night, have all day Wednesday on the mountain, hang out at night, and come back Thursday morning.

Then plans changed and we planned to leave Wednesday morning.
Then a work meeting was forgotten and we would have had to come back Wednesday night.
Then I didn't have snow gear, so I arranged to borrow.
Then I got stuck in rush hour and forgot to stop and rent gear.
When I went back later, MEC didn't have the right skiis, and Sports Junkies was closed.
Then I couldn't buy a lift ticket at 7-11.
Wednesday morning, we were about 30mins down the highway and had to come back for a forgotten credit card/ID... that had actually ended up being dropped on the street.
By that time, once we would have arrived in Whistler, and gotten rentals, it would have been 10:30, and the mountain closes at 3.

So I made a disappointing, financially wise decision and stayed in the city while my friends drove off for Whistler.
It seems like everything leading up to today wasn't working out, so maaaaybe I wasn't supposed to go to Whistler today.

Either way, I'm totally uber bummed and am sitting in my snow suit on my bed.

Weather Network: "A wind and rain warning are in effect..."

Big, stormy, windy nights.
The rain hits angry on the window pane, and the wind can her heard from in my safe, cozy, warm house.
I love them!
It reminds me of growing up on the farm - our farm house was 100 years old and the roof was made of tin. When it rains, me and my sisters' bedroom was loud. I suppose when I was little, I would run across the hall to Dad and Mom's bed, where the wind didn't blow and the rain didn't pour.
Hmmmm.
A parable, if you will:


The Wise and Foolish Builders 
Matthew 7:25-27
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."


I recently read an 'aside note' from this familiar parable that in Sunday School, I would colour colouring sheets on. What can we learn from this story? 
Build your life on something solid: Christ. Do this by listening and obeying.
What else.
Both the foolish and the wise man went through storms.
The rains fell, there were floods, the wind blew strong.
It didn't matter the men's family backgrounds, marital status, income level, nationality, life experience, colour of hair or what kind of address they had. The storms still came.


And they are hard... and painful... and sometimes all you do is feel the wind and not know what direction to go. You feel the thunder and think the pain will never leave. The waters rise simultaneously with your panic.
Where's your safe house?
Where's your parents' bed?


Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles,
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not grow faint.
-Isaiah 40:30-31


Hmmm. So how exactly does that look. What about the wind, floods and rain? Those are freaking scary! And confusing and discouraging and unappreciated.


Iy yi, and this?...
"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
(Romans 5:3-5)


HOPE. 
It never dies.
It never disappoints.
No matter the storm.
Foundation.
TRUST.
Truth.
...unwavering?
Even in mad confusion?
Unwavering. 
Even when society tries to redefine truth a million times - there's got to be something constant, something to cling to that doesn't change every generation. Right??
Man I hope so, or else life is being tossed in the waves without a PFD: directionless, out of control and with no indication that it could possibly get better.


ALL THAT SAID, Lord, be my peace, my strength and my direction when I have no idea what's up with life-weather.
And I wish BC had more thunderstorms.
Good night.

Newly Released: "Beauty Will Rise"

Dear Steven Curtis Chapman,
Thank you for being real about life and brokenness in your new album.
From,
Sarah

I Will [Not]...

I will not fall victim to relentless Christmas marketing that has invaded this city since November 1st.
I will park my car for the Olympics and walk everywhere.
I will not get this flu that everyone is getting these days.
I will eat more vegetables starting this week.
I will not become addicted to my new, shnazzy cell phone.
I will choose to move forward.

How to botch up a job interview 101

1. Get stuck in traffic

2. Show up late to the GROUP interview, where there are 2 others there... on time.

3. Miss the first part of the interview regarding pay and uniform, then ask about it at the end.

4. When giving him your resume at the end, realize there is no contact number on it for you.

5. Mumble something about just getting a new cell phone that afternoon (true story), and ask if you can WRITE it on your resume.

6. Forget your new phone number, and have to look it up.

7. Your phone is off, so you try to remember it by memory from the keypad pattern, but likely put the wrong phone number down for them to contact you on.

...and... fired, before you even get hired.

Hahahahaha...

Heart Matters

What, why and how.

What IS 'the heart'?

An organ.

A source of feeling, emotion and passion.

Both physical and abstract.

WHY does the abstract version 'feel'?

And really, the main question is HOW, HOW, HOW.

How do we 'feel' pain?

Difficulty? Wretchedness?

Joy to the max, hope, determination.

HOW do these feelings overtake our minds?

HOW do they ravage through our thoughts?

WHAT is the co-relation between our heart feelings and physical happenings?

WHY can't we control them?

What ARE feelings?

WHY are they dry as dirt one week, then dripping with richness the next.

WHY,

WHAT,

HOW.

Gaaaaagggghhhh.

"When everything is wrong, the day has passed and nothing's done

and the whole world seems against me,

When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head

I'm afraid of sinking into despair.

Teach me Lord to have faith

In what you're bringing me will

change my life and bring you glory.

THere on the storm I am learning to let go

of the will I am so longing to control.

There may I be in your arms eternally

I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm."

-Downhere

HOPE.

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible."

-Author Unknown

"Hope is always a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

-Shawshank Redemption

Materialism: Thoughts and Whatnot.

I think I'm gaining some insight into our culture's desperate demand to acquire more and more stuff, which requires more and more money.

Here is my mere psychological hypothesis on the situation.

I have spent the past six weeks unemployed, blessed with lots of time to sleep in, read, journal, think, cook, visit friends, travel home, take a roadtrip, spend time outside... I've had lots of time to myself. Which was what I truly needed and wanted. I've been able to work through a lot of stuff and learn lots.

And now? I'm ready for something else. I'm ready for some structure to my days (I loooove structure, apparently). I'm ready to pour my energies into something again. I'm ready to accomplish things for something else rather than my own mind. I have had too much time in my own thoughts and want to think about other things...

...because THIS is what I have found.

When it's all about you, and you're pouring all your efforts into 'developing yourself'... you don't feel outward accomplishment. And when you're not feeling outward accomplishment, you feel the void there. And you want to feel like you're gaining something.

This is a very vulnerable position to be in, because all of a sudden, there seems to be lots of things to 'gain': Cell Phone. Computer. Camera. Bumper Sticker. Canucks Flag for Car. Books. Bread. Coat.

...soon attaining and gaining merge to the same thing.

Why am I not feeling complete? Oh I need to do something with my time/I need to gain something.

Red Flag!

I don't have anything scheduled into my day. Oh I should go out. Hmm, I should have something to prove my time spent: I'll go buy some food. Or maybe a coffee.

Red Flag!

Something obviously isn't right in our hearts when we hit this point. The challenge is to find out what it is. Maybe it IS because of something legitimate, like not currently having a daily task to complete, ie. job, school, etc. But the question is, what does God want me to do in this limbo time? Definitely not look to gain/attain.

Because materialism definitely doesn't give sustainable fulfillment - only momentarily pleasure.

And gaining 'things' doesn't give us status or identity - only in worldly ways, which fade with the flowers.

No wonder our general population, who either subconsciously/consciously bored or searching for something, looking for fulfillment (even if only momentarily) and identity look to gaining materialistic items.

And people who are unable to work or study because of illness, depression, etc, are looking for their lives to count for something... fulfillment and identity are human desires... our culture points to 'stuff, stuff, stuff'... it's an easy out.

Or, perhaps, an 'easy in'.

But not sustainable.

Not permanent.

And definitely not fulfilling - it always leaves you wanting more, more, more.

Interesting:

"Most of us want more income so we can consume more. Yet as societies become richer, they do not become happier. In fact, the First World has more depression, more alcoholism and more crime than fifty years ago. This paradox is true of Britain, the United States, continental Europe and Japan."

I think I could write a paper on this. Just for fun.

"Researchers have found that low self-esteem and materialism are not just a correlation, but also a causal relationship where low self esteem increases materialism, and materialism can also create low self-esteem. The also found that as self esteem increases, materialism decreases."

Maybe another question is, "Is low self-esteem the cause for a majority of our culture's need for materialism?"

...and then "Why is low-self esteem such a problem in our culture?"

Media messages?

Cultural unrealistic expectations?

Lack of faith, truth, reason for existence?

Oh, Western Culture. Sometimes I just want to pop you like a balloon.

On that note, I am going to go make a sandwich.

Beauty from Ashes

Burnt Out.

You hear stories of family's homes that catch on fire: a forgotten candle, an electrical blip, the stove that was left on.

Family photos, gone. The playroom where house, tag, Monopoly and Lego was played, gone. The dining room where hundreds of family meals were shared, gone. The backyard and driveway where skills like riding a bike, building a campfire, mastering a backflip on the trampoline, gone.

ASHES.

Thick, deeps, unforgiving, irreversible ashes.

Sometimes our lives resemble that burnt property: passions dissolved, hopes dashed, compassion turned to apathy, visions deflated, energies emptied.

Ashes.

Burnt out.

Lupins.

They are a wildflower. Often purple.

They grow from ashes.

They don't need Grade A soil with all the nutrients. They use ashes to spur beautiful growth.

They are known as 'invasive' - meaning they see no boundaries as to where to grow. They take over meadows, roadsides, creeksides. Their presence is impossible to ignore. And they smell pretty.

God raises growth from the ashes.

And not just growth, growth that is beautiful.

Growth that overtakes the previously burnt land.

Growth that grows naturally.

Growth that heals the wounds.

Growth that gives hope.

Growth that inspires.

Growth that is impossible to ignore.

Even though much is lost, and the terrain is desolate, we can TRUST in the lupins, we can trust that God brings life from the ashes, and beauty from the broken.

trrrruusttttinnngggg

God I trust that you will lead me, hold onto me, and HOLD ME, even if no one hires me and I completely run out of money and get so bored out of my mind in the days.

All in the process of your work in my life, all for your glory, time and money aren't your thing anyways. You're more into quality over quantity.

'Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no, you never let go.'

Thank you. Help me continue to have hope, faith and trust, continue to heal me and ground me in your love. You've got this one, cause I sure do not.

Love, Sarah

MRAZ

It would entirely be alright with me if Jason Mraz got hit in the face with a cream pie today.

The Journey is the Destination

"I've come to the conclusion that having things turn out, the way you wanted them to is not the measure of an successful life. The important thing is, not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it's only in the blackness of the night that you can see the stars. And those stars can lead you back home.

So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble or fall, because most of the time, the greatest awards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you won't get everything that you wished for. Maybe you'll get more that you ever could of imagined.

Who knows where life can take you, the road is long, but in the end, the journey is the destination."

-Whitey Durham

Chapter 923

All I can say right now is this:

God is the master orchestrator.

He brings so much.

We mess up.

He makes beauty from our mistakes; creating beauty from the brokeness.

Hope rules through all. It's the chord that will not break, the structure that will not burn.

Faith keeps hope alive - clinging to God being good.

And trusting... that He will continue to bring the good, because it is His joy to lavish his children with love.

And when we are completely empty, worn out and broken, he tenderly picks us up, places us in his strong, warm embrace and holds us close to his holy heart.

This is what I'm learning.

And it's wretchedly difficult and absolutely perfect at the same time.

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me."

"It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah..."

Abba - Jason Morant

Where am I now this desert so familiar,
This loneliness has scarred me before
Is this where You're found or is this where You have brought me
Your voice no longer can I ignore

My heart lies in pieces
Please pick me up and put me back together again
Like only You can

chorus

Abba Abba
You're like water to this soul
Abba I need You
Cause I've got no where else to go

Is that You there whispering so softly
And calming all the madness inside
All I have I bare and it still amounts to nothing
But You're telling me it's ok to cry

Now I now lie in pieces
But this brokenness is all You ever wanted from me
So You can take control

chorus

In Your sanctuary's where I long to be
For this desperate heart has found no better place
Than to be found in You
Than to be found in You

Lord, this is where my heart is at.

Please come and do your work.

Restoration.

Rest.

Peace.

Please.

A Plea

Dear people,

You need to know that I am regular.

I am normal, average.

I am 23 years old. I brush my teeth twice a day. I don't shower daily. I never sleep with socks. Sometimes I make my bed. Recently I haven't been cooking regularly/eating well, but I am committing to starting in September. I don't really like dogs. Sometimes I throw food out instead of composting. Same with cardboard. I have gross feet. Sometimes I swear, accidentally. Sometimes not accidentally. I am a people pleaser. I really struggle with being cynical, especially towards wealth.

But I get put on a pedestal. By lots of people. Lots of times.

I don't know why.

They think I do good things. They think they can't do what I do. They think I'm deeper, stronger, somehow more than them.

WELL I'M NOT.

I do things that God leads and gifts me to do. I cannot boast in that, only of in Christ in me. So please don't boast in that for me.

I can't do what you do. Obviously, we cannot all do the same things. Thankfully.

I'm no deeper, no stronger, and in no way more than anyone else.

So please don't think that I am.

Because when you do, I am alienated.

Put away on a different level, on an 'unrelatable level', on that fancy pedestal.

And I have so far to fall when you realize that I'm just a regular person.

I am relatable. Please, let me relate to you.

I want to, I crave to, I need to.

Because when you put me up high, I'm alienated.

And when I'm alienated, I'm so, so lonely.

And when lonliness sets in, my personal world is so bleak.

Please let me be 'just Sarah'.

Thank you, you have no idea how much.

From, Sarah

Bride Wars

I am tired. I had little sleep last night, and I've been packing up my apartment all day, so I decided to watch a movie on my *new* computer (it actually has sound, it's rather exciting).

The only movie at my house that I hadn't seen was lo and behold, Bride Wars. I thought it would be humourous, seeing as this seems to be the phase of life that I'm smack dab in the middle of.

Well I wasn't really impressed. Yet again, Hollywood comes out with another explanation for our high divorce rate: when the whole 'thing' is 100% focused on the wedding, and forgets about the marriage.I'm not even sure if I remember the names of the fiances, I don't think it said anything about them and there was almost nothing on the relationships of the couples.But I mean, the dresses were beautiful, the hair; perfect, flowers; lovely, decorations; enticing, location; romantic, rings; sparkling.

I wonder how the couples work through conflict.

I wonder how they adjusted to living together.

I wonder where they make up for each others' short comings, where one's weaknesses are balanced out by the other's strengths.

I wonder how they get along with each others' in-laws.

I wonder where they saw their lives 5, 10, 25 years down the road.

I wonder how they coped with each others' quirks.

I wonder if they were comfortable farting around each other. Or throwing up.

I wonder if one was a vegetarian, and how that affected their shopping list.

I wonder which states their siblings lived in.

But I mean, I KNOW that the dresses were beautiful, the hair; perfect, flowers; lovely, decorations; enticing, location; romantic, rings; sparkling.And once the best friends were reunited, the wedding was complete.
And that's all that matters, right?

THE RES

Broken.

Void.

Empty:

of attention

of love

of care.

Set aside by our country,

our government,

Forgotten about,

not cared about.

Seen only is the alcohol, the abuse, the brokeness,

and not given a second thought of hope.

Why so desolate?

You take away their culture,

their ways,

their lifestyle.

Press your ways on them

Foreign.

Unhealthy.

Unwanted.

DESTROYING their souls,

their families,

their humanity...

...humans.

Broken humans,

now generations deep in the syndrome.

'How do I cope?

How do I deal,

How do I heal?

The bottle.

Numbing the reality I've come to hate,

the reality I call my life,

the life I cannot escape.'

Houses from the third world,

toys littered,

cars burned,

windows boarded.

She has no yard, so she plays in muddy street puddles.

His family is living in a tent because their is no roof over their head.

Nine years old and the colours of his gang are his outward identity.

Her face so twisted from her mother's poor decisions during pregnancy,

lisped speech

snotty nose

and all she wants to do is twirl, twirl, twirl.

LOVE.

hope to trust, and

trust to hope.

Beauty in the broken,

Flourishing in love.

And when she smiles at me, everything is worth it.

Hungry bellies; no food in the cupboards.

Hurt hearts; no one to accept them.

Permanently angry; only rejection.

JESUS CHRIST,

Hope. Healer.

Restorer. Rebuilder.

Lavishing love,

Joy giver,

Burden carrier.

Takes surrender,

and turns it into pure life.

Jesus Calling, July 14th

"Keep walking with me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance lightfooted on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life."

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every single detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Put your hope in the Lord.
Travel steadily along his path.
Pslam 37: 23, 24, 34

This will be vague and confusing.

...which I've decided is okay, because life is vague and confusing.
So I've been thinking lots about life, journeys and paths... yes, I love metaphors.
This first verse is one I found in church today, and the second is one my Mom reminded me of:

"Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path and you will find rest for your souls."
-Jeremiah 6:16

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take."
-Proverbs 3:5

Crossroads, check.
Looking around, check.
The 'old godly way'?
Hmmmm - Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbour as yourself. Okay.
Travel this path... find rest for your soul.
FANTASTIC.

Verse 2 = terrifying.
And simutaneously, peaceful.
Weird.

so what am i doing and where am i going? what's next, what's working, what's not and why? is it my fault, or just natural progression? is my truth your truth, is there one for all? but if not, doesn't that knock all legitimacy of mine? can they combine? is this just a learning experience, or does my life make a difference? seeds sure are easy enough to plant but it's faith in the possibility of growth that keeps one going. it's a humble cookie to munch on when you realize that you can't change people, when what you want most is to see people change. and it's a faith breaker when the blossom looks ready to pop, but then it's squashed to the rocks. give give give, and love love love, but i sure feel bottomed out, scraping the dirt. i'm sick of reacting; i want to act. i don't want to put out fires, i want to water and nourish the lands. again, why and how and what went wrong? nothing's more frustrating and exasperating than knowing something's not working but not being able to identify why... the story of my life. why do my awareness levels yo-yo so much? i miss you more than words exist; never anyone this much since she left. funny, this geographic location and all i can think about is you, this music isn't helping. i run to you. long trip alone. just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. trying to stop you leaving... i left. it's your (my?) god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved. this stillness is wonderful, and it's moving at a perfect speed. i'm refusing to think about going back but i know it will be like nothing has changed; may my heart stand firm. sometimes i feel like going back on it all, but the evidence is too convincing. but you sure are tempting. and lovingly lovely. i want out, i want to heal, i want a break. some pura vida. why is my heart feeling this. what is good and bad - they are so dependent on each individual's ideas.
travel, learning more, running away, enduring, working, exploring, adventure... which one?
JOURNEY.
Don't stop believing.
Seasons.

sometimes all i wanna do is dance, look at stars, live barefoot on grass and follow my heart.
this faith dimension is tricky and hard.

"We live on front porches and swing life away, we get by just fine here on minimum wage, if love was a labour, I'd slave til the end."
...sounds peachy, but so unattainable.
I want a front porch swing.
And some healthy change.

-standing at the crossroads, holding onto hope.

Small

I just need to get away from me,
I just need to find some piece of mind,
Caught in this game of unmet expectations,
I wanna leave it all behind,

I wanna be small,
I wanna be just like a child,
I wanna be quiet in your arms,
I wanna be small,
I wanna be just like a child,
I wanna be quiet in your arms

So in that moment when i loose myself,
Let the world fade away from me,
Give me a moment to just seek the silence,
I just wanna be set free.

This song is my saving grace when I can't be super any longer.

Four Fantastic Facts

I slept for 10.5 hrs last night.
(I woke up feeling pleasant).

I made a risky phone call today.
(Took 15 mins to build the courage).

I decided to walk in peace today, and it worked.
(It was beautiful, I only got stressed out once).

My hair is getting long.
(I may have pulled a low-side-pony).

All that said, days are good and His purpose never fails.

HOME: a few anticipated favourites

I'm leaving on a jet plane and landing in Kitchener, Ontario, in t-minus 11 days. Martin and I will be decked out in our Canada Day colours, flying in style while listening to our long planned Home Mix Playlist.

And these are some things I am looking forward to upon arrival in Inverhaugh-area:
1. Going barefoot on my Dad's lawn
2. Sitting at the 'penninsula' and reading the newspaper every morning with orange juice.
3. Sleeping without ear plugs.
4. Seeing the stars at night.
5. Driving in the country.
6. Rolling hills, rivers, farms and fields.
7. Krysten's wedding.
8. Campfires.
9. Elora.
10. Tubing down the Gorge.
11. Watching Laura play baseball.
12. Ultimate frisbee with my friends.
13. Woodside Church.
14. Talking with my family.
15. Friends.
16. Listening to Gavin play guitar.
17. Staying up late with my sisters.
18. My Dad and Mom.
19. Being taken care of.
20. Going outside in my pajamas.
21. Sleeping in the tent.
22. The Hills. The Hubers.
23. My friends' parents.
24. Seeing the new basement.
25. Being HOME - a thing of beauty in itself.

...dropping everything at the Vancouver airport and PEACING OUT.
Rest, breathe, relax, change.
Beautiful.
Healthy.
Mmmm, come onnnnn July 1st.

Retrospect

"You've got to look back to see where you've been to really realize where you're at."
-me

So began the old journal readings.

• "I don't really know what hope is, but it is something to cling to when everything else is falling apart." (April 17, 2006)
  
• "It is better to have love and to have lost than to never have loved at all. I THINK I agree?" (May 11, 2006)
  
• "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed by your name... I know God gave me Katharine, I know He took her away. I am blessed to have known and loved her. But I can't bless His name. I can't be pleased with Him right now." (May 20, 2006)
  
• "I believe in the sun when it's not shining, I believe in love, even when I feel it not, I believe in God, even when he is silent." (July 2, 2006)
  
• "When someone does something you DON'T LIKE, you tend to 'not really like them', even though you know they do other great things. I don't know how to break through this with God." (July 30, 2006)
  
• "I don't love God. I don't want to love God. But I want to want to love God." (August 28, 2006)
  
• "Why do I want to be less selfish? Maybe for selfish reasons. How do I change those reasons so that it's God who motivates change? The root of it all: The Cross. Maybe I have lost sight of what should be the centre. But everything loses its power once it's talked about for your whole life... and becomes regular. How do I make something regular become so powerful? Maybe it's because I can't even grasp the idea of someone dying for me, out of love, to spend eternity with him. WHY CAN'T I JUST UNDERSTAND IT!??" (Sept. 22, 2006)
  
• "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! I don't know what I'm doing in this life, just existing?"
  
• "Grace. It's a hard thing for me to understand. And accept." (September 3, 2006)
  
• "God, I am so egocentric. I need to get over myself in a BIG way. And I think only you can do that. I need to understand your greatness so I can do things for your glory, not mine." (October 6, 2006)

So lost.
So wandering.
So purpose-less.
So searching...
...often coming up empty.

But He is FAITHFUL.

"Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no you never let go, every high and every low, oh no you never let go, Lord you never let go of me."
-Leeland

You have to make it through something in order to gain retrospect.
I did...
...by grace.
GRACE!
Something I couldn't accept, I now cling to.

HOPE.
...which was mostly lost.
But faith the size of a mustard seed moved mountains.

LOVE.
...heals. Jesus is the doctor of the broken hearted, the hurting, the painful. It's his heart, his passion. This fact alone makes Him appealing.

HEALING.
...came with time. With openess. From hurt, from pain, from cynisism, from bitterness, from LIES, from my mind being in bondage.

I really can't think of any other way that this happened other than from God Almighty.
To Him be all Glory.

Thanks, Jesus.
Really, you saved my life.

Broken, and holding onto hope.

She is cold,
She is warm.
She is hardened,
She is soft.
She is sweet,
She is angry.
She is a scapegoat,
a release point for her family's anger.
She brings me tears; frustration, joy.
In her I see dispair,
In her I see beautiful hope.
I see a girl who's holding on,
even though by mere strings.
She feels love,
she feels loved.
She is broken,
She is beautiful.
She is scared,
scared of failing,
scared of succeeding.
Scared to step out again,
only to be smashed down.
Labeled as lost,
as a failure, as hopeless,
I smash those words.
Resilient, but yearning for their love.
Toughened by her life, but softened by His love.
They don't see her,
They don't know her,
They don't recognize her for who she is.
She is swept aside,
Rejected,
Put out to the curb.
No kindness shown,
Broken people breaking people.

In her I see love.
In her I see hope.
In her I see joy.
For her, I see healing.
For her, I see wholeness.
Beauty, in the broken.
Hope for her hopelessness.
Love, always love.

Rediscovered Beauty: Outside of the City Limits

This weekend I had the pleasure of busting free of this city I have grown to love and call home, and retreating to the sweet Guest House at Camp Qwanoes on Vancouver Island.
There are a number of tidbits that I would like to share with my invisible audience. Please take note.

It's funny. I proclaimed myself as a sold out city girl - lights, bridges, infinite coffee shops, rollerblading oppertunities, parks, unique people and culture groups, new hobbies and interests, public transit, and of course the people group that I have become my community, friends and family.
Well. As soon as I stepped out onto that 100 year old front porch, as soon as I left my shoes on the door mat and sauntered outside barefoot, as soon as I grew accustomed to the peacefulness of the calm quietness, as soon as I stared up into the trees from my hammock, and spent two nights sleeping in my tent, it hit me.

This is where I am from.
This is what I grew up with.
This is what shaped me.

...the country.

The beauty of natural nature trumps the man made lakes, specifically positioned trees and manicured flower beds.
Waking up to the birds is the best alarm clock I've heard in 5 months.
My ear plugs layed unused for two nights - the only two nights since January 7th.
Barefoot is best, no matter the dirt stains and cracked heels.
A nap in a hammock is by far the most satisfying way to relax.
Tromping through the forest is the best way to get from Point A to Point B.
Stars, I am convinced, are a direct way for God to communicate His glory to us.
The ocean as a backdrop makes life feel magnificent.
As much as I love Vancouver, my first love in BC is truly the Island, and I have a feeling I might live there some day.

I am back in the city. I parallel parked on the street, double checked to make sure my doors were locked, climbed 3 sets of stairs to my back door, played frisbee in a park that used to be wildgrass and am currently listening to the wiz of vehicals as they fly down Knight St, twenty feet from my building.

I love this bustling city.
But I sure do love my roots in the peaceful country, and now, for the first time in five months, I am willing to recognize these roots as good.

Here I Am

...again.
Posting life, words, thoughts, ideas.
Writing them, solidifies them.
Ready... and go.