...which I've decided is okay, because life is vague and confusing.
So I've been thinking lots about life, journeys and paths... yes, I love metaphors.
This first verse is one I found in church today, and the second is one my Mom reminded me of:
"Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path and you will find rest for your souls."
-Jeremiah 6:16
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take."
-Proverbs 3:5
Crossroads, check.
Looking around, check.
The 'old godly way'?
Hmmmm - Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbour as yourself. Okay.
Travel this path... find rest for your soul.
FANTASTIC.
Verse 2 = terrifying.
And simutaneously, peaceful.
Weird.
so what am i doing and where am i going? what's next, what's working, what's not and why? is it my fault, or just natural progression? is my truth your truth, is there one for all? but if not, doesn't that knock all legitimacy of mine? can they combine? is this just a learning experience, or does my life make a difference? seeds sure are easy enough to plant but it's faith in the possibility of growth that keeps one going. it's a humble cookie to munch on when you realize that you can't change people, when what you want most is to see people change. and it's a faith breaker when the blossom looks ready to pop, but then it's squashed to the rocks. give give give, and love love love, but i sure feel bottomed out, scraping the dirt. i'm sick of reacting; i want to act. i don't want to put out fires, i want to water and nourish the lands. again, why and how and what went wrong? nothing's more frustrating and exasperating than knowing something's not working but not being able to identify why... the story of my life. why do my awareness levels yo-yo so much? i miss you more than words exist; never anyone this much since she left. funny, this geographic location and all i can think about is you, this music isn't helping. i run to you. long trip alone. just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. trying to stop you leaving... i left. it's your (my?) god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved. this stillness is wonderful, and it's moving at a perfect speed. i'm refusing to think about going back but i know it will be like nothing has changed; may my heart stand firm. sometimes i feel like going back on it all, but the evidence is too convincing. but you sure are tempting. and lovingly lovely. i want out, i want to heal, i want a break. some pura vida. why is my heart feeling this. what is good and bad - they are so dependent on each individual's ideas.
travel, learning more, running away, enduring, working, exploring, adventure... which one?
JOURNEY.
Don't stop believing.
Seasons.
sometimes all i wanna do is dance, look at stars, live barefoot on grass and follow my heart.
this faith dimension is tricky and hard.
"We live on front porches and swing life away, we get by just fine here on minimum wage, if love was a labour, I'd slave til the end."
...sounds peachy, but so unattainable.
I want a front porch swing.
And some healthy change.
-standing at the crossroads, holding onto hope.
Hey Sarah, It's funny, but your post reminds me a bit of the sermon today from church. It was from Luke 24 and the story of Cleopas and his unnamed companion walking away from Jerusalem with Jesus (although they didn't know he was Jesus) and the gist of it was that God sometimes crushes our small dreams to make way for his big and great dreams that we can't even imagine. In the end, the important thing is knowing God. I hope you're picking up what I'm laying down because it's late and I might be being vague and confusing as well. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. You are welcome here any time for an island adventure/getaway if you have need, my friend.
Open mic.
ReplyDeleteLong trip alone... mmm, yes.